*This post is a sequel to the one before it. If you haven't read it yet you can find it by clicking the link. It will help make sense with what I write below...
Last night I wrote about how I didn't know how to heal the traumatic memories from when I was 8 years old and was told to kill a sick kitten....
I've been trying to sit with the memories and pain but I was also afraid I was retraumatizing myself so this morning I wanted to try to imagine what my higher self/ future self would do if they happened to come upon my 8 year old self in the middle of trying to kill the kitten like she had been told to do. The memory stuck in my mind was the moment when I couldn't handle it and turned away and the gruesome picture of a kitten in horrible condition.
I asked my higher self/ future self if they would help me heal this memory. For those who don't know, this doll and horse is the personification of my future self:
I thought that perhaps my present self could take care of the kitten and my future self could take care of my traumatized 8 year old self. As I sat there all I could think of was how horrible the images in my memory were. The shock. The shutdown. How a part of me wanted to be tough like my dad and made fun of the kitten in pain by describing a certain horrific detail. And then all of a sudden the thought came about how much pain that kitten endured without making a sound and it broke me. I cried like that little 8 year old might have, afraid to make a sound yet hurting for the horrible pain the kitten must have been in. It was almost like I was expressing the emotions of the shutdown and in shock 8 year old.
I had been sitting cross legged on the sofa but in the midst of the pain I lay down in a fetal position, almost numb in the pain and trauma that my 8 year old self felt.
In my memory I had finally turned away from the kitten because it was just too much. Even though my imagination was a bit hazy through the pain and grief I was feeling it was as though my future self and the horse showed up. My future self gathered my traumatized 8 year old self into her arms and held her close. There were no words. The horse tried to put it's nose against my heart but I was in so much pain I had myself curled up in a ball. The horse, sensing this, came around behind me, standing between me and the kitten and put her neck gently across my shoulder with her head resting on my whole upper body. At this point I lost site of the kitten and it's pain. It was just 8 year old me sandwiched between the horse and my future self. The horse was gentle but I felt it's intention. It was the healer in this scenario. I have no way to describe what happened but within a few moments the pain started to diminish as I felt the intentional weight of the horse's head against my chest and within a few minutes I felt free from the pain associated with the memory. There is still some grief but the pain is basically gone. It was a very unique experience.
In the midst of it I remembered a person I came across on social media who works with horses and energy in healing. I hadn't followed her because she calls herself a witch and it's not something I'm comfortable with because that term has always been associated with evil and darkness but more and more I'm learning that a lot of people use it to describe someone who is in tune with nature and energy and uses it for good and healing. This person, who's profile name is Channelled by Chloe, has videos of some of her sessions with clients showing how involved the horses are in the healing process which I found so beautiful. I miss having horses in my life through horse therapy but maybe one day I will have a few of my own.🐎
So far in my interactions with my future self the horse hasn't been in the forefront but today she was. I decided she needs a name so I called her Healer which is a very fitting name because of how she helped dissolve the pain and trauma of that painful memory this morning...🐴
How do I feel now? I feel much lighter, but I also feel drained. I feel like I need a deep long nap. I don't know if that will happen though because I have jobs I should get done today that I wish I didn't need to do but right now I need every penny I can get...I feel like I can think a little better than I have been able to the last several days so maybe I'll feel like I can tackle a few today...
Thank you for reading!🤍
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