The other day I was looking for hairspray to use for a project after I got done with my shift. At first I got a big bottle of the shelf then I was looking at aloe vera gel because mine is empty but I didn't like all the ingredients in it so I wandered over to the travel size section thinking that perhaps there's a smaller size with less ingredients. What I found instead was a smaller bottle of hair spray for which I was delighted because I only want to use it to stiffen curtains for my dollhouse so I don't need much.
As I was walking to checkout I decided that I will check out the ready-made food to see if there is something cheap enough that I feel ok to spend a few dollars on for a treat. I found a cream cheese filled soft pretzel and saw it had a $1 coupon on it. I was delighted that I could save a dollar and it made me feel ok to spend a little money on it. Even as I was standing in line to check out I was debating whether I want to get it or not. I almost put it back.
When it was my turn to check out I handed my hair spray and soft pretzel to the cashier. She wrung it up and I put in my phone number but it didn't show up. I just recently changed my phone number and somehow it still isn't associated with me being an employee so I can't get my discount. I noticed that the cashier was pulling the coupon sticker off and I didn't stop to think about why she was doing that. I just paid for my stuff and left, delighted that I found a small bottle of hairspray and thinking about the money I saved that I can spend for other things, and enjoyed my cream cheese filled pretzel as I headed home.
When I got home I looked at my receipt and realized that I didn't get the $1 discount after all and then it hit me! There's a policy at work that employees are not allowed to buy discounted items because employees have access to the discount stickers, which has been a frustration to me and therefore I rarely shop at my job because it's cheaper just going to Aldi's in the long run. As the realization of what happened hit me, I had to bite my tongue in frustration and tears stung my eyes as I tried to hold them back. Just another frustration to add to the growing list of frustrations about my job. I tried not to think about it, to accept my mistake and the money I squandered on something I didn't need, and move on.
I thought I moved on. But I hadn't.
The next morning I was trying to do my meditation but before I got very far the memory from the day before came flooding back, bringing with it, surprise! surprise! a memory from a time when I was working for my abusive employers....
At that time we sold raw milk and when it was out of date we could take it home. One day someone complained to him that they didn't get any milk for some reason, I don't remember, and his response was to say that no one is allowed to take any milk home anymore. It upset us and when I talked to his wife about it, she said he made that rule so it doesn't give any more squabbles or complaints. It felt wrong. And it hurt. It felt like such a huge waste to dump all the milk down the drain.
As these memories came to the surface, I realized it was futile to keep trying to meditate so I stopped and focused on the memories, remembering the feelings and the drama. I wasn't quite sure what to do but almost without me even trying to imagine it, I wondered what my future self would do about it or how she would respond to the pain amd memories I was feeling in the moment. It was like she just walked into the room from somewhere, walked right over to me, sat down beside me and pulled me close to her in spirit. No words. Just compassion and care. I allowed myself to cry in the pain and grief I was feeling and in less than a minute the pain disappeared. As it disappeared I was able to think better and I realized that both times, that moment the other day and the memory from my abusive employer, I was acting out of a scarcity mindset. Settling for the cheapest stuff. Trying to save money. Almost greedy for free stuff. It was like a lightbulb moment in a way. I thanked her/ my intuition or wherever the realization came from and I realized just how deeply ingrained the scarcity mindset is in my life. I wondered what it would be like if I would be able to buy things I need and want without having to be afraid I'm wasting my money or always trying to find the cheapest option. What would it be like to live out of abundance instead of scarcity?
With that I then turned back to the meditation I had been attempting to do in the beginning of all of this and was able to fully immerse myself now that the pain and grief has been taken out of the memories making them insignificant. I won't share what I meditate on but it's about what I would like my future to look like, which will be beyond amazing and beyond beautiful when it comes to pass.
The whole point in sharing this moment of healing is that the smallest thing can become a catalyst for healing. It might not appear that way on the outside but if we are willing to face the pain and grief and accept it, we might just be surprised by the healing that comes out of it. I certainly was surprised by how it all happened and the insight that came out of it.
If something small seems to bother you more than you think it should, perhaps stop and sit with it and ponder it. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and pain and whatever else may come with it. And in the end you may find healing in a way you may not have been expecting it.
How do I feel now? I think the best word I can think of is empowered. I certainly wasn't expecting healing to come in such a simple but profound way but I'm glad it did. It feels good, like another puzzle piece of the past taken care of and healed. Just a small one, but it's still one. And onward I go on my healing journey.
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