See this beautiful young girl? Her name is Careful Protector. She is feeling shy and would rather be hiding amongst the trees instead of out in the open where she can be seen. She was willing to let me paint her picture even though it was hard for her to be so vulnerable.
I met her last night in therapy session with my IFS therapist friend. Now that I finally got to meet her, I realize I've seen her so often. I just didn't know who she was and her actions often frustrated me. But now, perhaps she can take some time to rest because she greatly needs it...
Many people have seen her too but they didn't know who she was. Some of the names people would call her if they saw her would be: shy, withdrawn, fearful, quiet, evasive, tough, even perhaps a doormat.
I want to honor her. Even from when I was very young, maybe 4, she has tried to protect me from getting hurt again. Now she is so, so exhausted and she is STILL trying to protect me even though I'm bigger and older than she is now. Isn't that so brave of her?
When there is the slightest bit of conflict in the air or someone seems irritated or angry, she pulls me back, quiets my voice or even gets me to walk away from the situation because she doesn't want me to get hurt. She remembers too many times when my parents were arguing or upset that I would end up being the object that received their wrath and she wants to protect me from letting that happen again.
When I was talking with my police officer friend the other day, she was so scared for me even though my friend didn't give any red flags of being unsafe. She remembered the nightmares of people in authority, such as my dad and law enforcement officers, chasing her. So many nightmares of being chased. She remembered the times she tried to keep me out of reach of my dad by causing me to make a game out of outwitting him. She remembers the times I did get hurt (I have no words to describe the cruelty and the wickedness of parents treating their child as mine treated me) and she tried to protect me by causing me to freeze/fawn. So to see me talk with my new law enforcement friend it made her sick with fear because she was so afraid of something bad happening again.
When I go out in public she gets overwhelmed/overstimulated very quickly because she is trying so hard to be hypervigilant and keep me from harm and danger. She remembers some of the employers I used to work for and how horribly they treated me while calling themselves Christians as well as all the entitled and critical customers I've had to work with over the years. She tries to be brave and strong and courageous but she's also very exhausted from all the years she's been trying to protect me from more pain because she doesn't want me to be hurt again.
This past week she's been pressuring me to get a job because she doesn't want me to break into my savings. She remembers how financially tight my situation was for a number of years when I could hardly even buy enough groceries to feed myself. Hopefully we have been able to convey to her that it's ok if I have to break into my savings because right now healing is most important because I've been through so much horrible stuff.
(It's kinda like if someone breaks their leg or has a fracture and they can't walk on it. As it heals they might work with a physical therapist to help the healing process. At first they might only be able to walk a few steps or the length of a room. Can you imagine what would happen if someone came up to them and told them that it's not as bad as they think etc that they really ought to be able to walk around the block? First it would be gaslighting. Second, it would be harmful to their leg and would prolong the healing process if that person was to listen to the other individual and try to walk around the block. So it is for a trauma and abuse survivor. It takes time to heal; and if that means not having a job for a while then it would be wise to honor that so that healing can happen and they can come to the place where they are actually strong enough rather than forcing themselves to "have a job" and prolonging the healing of the injury...)
When people let me know (or she perceives that) they are struggling or busy she tries to protect me by causing me to pull away and to be "tough" as in not needing anyone. She makes me be small and hides parts of me so that I'm not too much or too overwhelming to those around me. She doesn't want me to need anyone because she remembers how when at 18 I opened up to someone about the horribleness of my life and that individual told me I was too much. She remembers how my mom never had time to listen. She remembers all the times when people would not listen to understand and instead would talk over me. She remembers all the times that people tried to pressure me to do things that they thought I should without giving me a voice or accepting my decision or preference. She remembers all the scoldings and criticism, and the people who talked down to me and acted as if I was mentally ill and couldn't think for myself. She remembers all the times that I thought I had friends only to watch them all walk away as though they never knew me. She remembers all the friends I thought I had who turned their backs on me when I made choices they didn't approve of. Can you see all the heartbreak she and I have been through? Can you see how she's trying to protect me from it happening again?
I think she's worked awfully hard to try to keep me safe and from experiencing more pain and heartbreak, don't you think? I think its time for her to step back and rest. It would be too hard for her to just let me go do things and go places without her so for now hopefully she can sit back and be a "note-taker". With some of her wisdom we came up with a small list of things she can watch for and then if she sees any of them or becomes uncomfortable with something or someone she can step up again. The goal is for her to get some rest. I hope she can do that even though it will be a very hard thing for her to do because she has worked so hard for so many years to try to protect me.
She deserves to be honored. She deserves to be accepted for the role she has had in my life for all these years. She deserves to be applauded for all the pain and heartbreak she's tried so valiantly and courageously to protect me from. She has been so brave and tried to be so strong. Stronger than little girls should ever have to be.
Little girls need to be protected.
Cared for.
Little girls need to be nurtured.
Calmed.
Little girls need friends.
And support.
Little girls need mothering.
And confidants.
But she had none of these. So she stepped up and tried to be all of these for me so that I dont need anyone else. She tried so hard. So so hard. Just to survive. Now it's hard for her to believe that I actually am safe. That I actually have safe friends. That I actually can enjoy life now. And I don't have to be afraid of getting hurt by someone in authority.
Now she knows that I don't have contact with all the many people who tried to hurt me or betrayed me for so many years. I hope she won't forget it. She's tried so hard to protect me from them. I hope that it will help her to be able to rest by knowing that. That my parents and some siblings can't find me. The lady downstairs can't find me. My abusive employers can't find me. The unsafe customers can't find me. The "friends" who betrayed me can't find me. The men I didn't feel safe around can't find me. The church people who treated me horribly can't find me. The people who drained me can't find me. The people who gossiped about me can't find me. The Mennonites I used to know can't find me. The people who were so sure they are right and I'm not can't find me. The people who told me I'm not a Christian can't find me. The people who beat me can't find me. The people who threatened me can't find me. The people who treated me like trash and an object to use however they please can't find me.
Now I'm safe. I have a few supportive friends nearby. I hope my Careful Protector can observe and see. That it will help calm her so she can relax from such a stressful job of trying to protect me. You see, she's done it for so long that it will be really hard for her to step back. But I think she can learn to trust if she can feel safe and supported as well as acknowledged. She cares so much about me and if she can sense that my friends care just as much about me it will make it easier for her to relax.
I'm so excited for the awesome healing that lies before her and me. I'm so grateful for how hard she's worked to protect me. She's done such an amazing job. She has tried so hard and been so brave and courageous. She deserves to be honored and cared for so she can rest. I want to care for her now. If she will let me. It will be hard for her because she's had to be strong for so long.
And my friends are able to help her too. They help her when they listen without judgement or criticism. When they give her space to figure out the right words to explain herself. When they allow her to make choices and share her preferences. When they don't pressure her to do things she's unsure about. When they join her in doing things she enjoys. When they're open minded and allow her to be creative. When they are compassionate towards her fears and concerns...
There's just so many ways that she can be cared for. And it doesn't look so overwhelming to care for her when I know I have supportive friends who care for her too. You see, caring for her is a new thing for me. Kinda like when a baby starts learning to walk; they stumble, trip, or fall and try to get back up again. So it is for me in trying to learn how to care for her. I'm learning slowly but surely and it helps her heal but I still have such a long way to go.
She deserves to be honored, acknowledged and cared for. It isn't easy to let herself be cared for. She wants to say thank you for caring for her and me. She wants to say thank you for listening to her concerns and worries about me. She wants to say thank you for being compassionate and patient when she struggles to express herself. She wants to say thank you for giving her freedom to make choices. She wants to say thank you for not pressuring her to do things she's not ready for or okay with. She wants to say thank you for being kind and supportive to me. She wants to say thank you to the people who care for me like she does because it makes it easier for her to rest because she knows I will be well taken care of. She wants to just say thank you because she is so grateful and appreciative of the safe and supportive people who want to take care of me so she can take a break. And she has a little curtsey for you because she is so grateful...
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