Depleted

When something is depleted

It is empty.

The reserves gone.

The energy drained.

Nothing remains.

It is void

Of existence.

Not a drop left.

Bone-weary exhaustion.

No energy.

Rest does not replenish.

Drained.

Dry to the bone.

Dehydrated.

Shriveled up.

Empty.

Tonight

At my friend's house

Alone.

I want to cry.

Weep.

Wail.

Sink into the soft cushions

To rest.

Rest in vain.

Just enough

To get through

Another day.

I got glimpses

Here and there

The last several years.

But I kept myself too busy

To really consider

The state

Of my condition.

Exhausted.

Drained.

Bone-weary.

Dry.

Energy depleted.

I push myself

To do

What needs to be done.

And ignore

How I feel.

I stop.

I consider.

I know why

I am so tired.

Years of abuse

Have taken their toll.

Mentally.

Physically.

Spiritually.

Emotionally.

Psychologically.

Many moves.

No stability.

Lifeblood drained.

Current situation.

Stalking Mennonite lady.

Determined

To make me talk to her.

Wanting to

Adopt me as her daughter.

I set boundaries

To no avail.

She walks over them all.

Letters.

Notes.

Food.

Invading my space.

I say

Leave me alone.

I'm not interested.

No matter how often

I say so

She doesn't stop.

She keeps on

Invading my space.

I have to

Shove her out of

My way

So I can get

To my room.

I ask the son who's mother

She takes care of.

Please tell her

To leave me alone.

It is harrassment.

Too much stress.

Too much.

I go to housesit

A friend's house.

I rest.

I write

For my new book.

I clean my car.

I do laundry.

In peace.

Without invasion

Of my space.

I think.

I know.

All day.

I am tired.

Bone-weary tired.

Exhausted.

I am so done.

I need a place.

A safe place.

A very safe place.

I need rest.

Lots of rest.

Rest in a safe place.

I need space.

Privacy.

In a safe place.

I need help.

Help to find a safe place.

A place where

I dont have to be scared.

Of unwanted advances.

Or invasion of my space.

Where I can be myself

Without fear

Of judgment.

Of criticism.

Of gaslighting

Or manipulation.

A place where

I can be myself

To create.

To dream.

To decorate.

To enjoy.

To work towards my goals.

A place where

I am loved.

Wanted.

Accepted.

Cared for.

Appreciated.

Respected.

A place where

My heart can find rest.

It looks impossible.

I get overwhelmed

Everytime I try

To look for

Something else.

A place where I can feel safe.

Nothing I can afford.

Even single rooms

With shared facilities

Cost more

Than I can afford.

It looks hopeless.

As though the only recourse

Is living in my car.

I'm scared.

Terrified.

Just the thought of moving in

With someone else

Nearly causes

A panic attack.

So many moves.

So many places.

So many people.

Unsafe people.

Abusive people.

Unhealthy people.

People who have no idea

What boundaries are

And how to respect them.

People who make it

All about

Themselves.

So many people.

So many places.

I can't do this

Any more.

I am exhausted.

Of moving to new places.

With new people

Trying to trust.

Again.

And again.

And yet again.

Only to be manipulated.

Gaslighted.

Treated as less than.

Abused in ways that

Leave no bruises.

But

You can't see the damage

In my heart and mind.

Wounds that take

Much longer to heal

Than a broken leg.

Broken trust.

Broken heart.

Broken mind.

Broken soul.

Will soon break the body

If no rest can be found

In a safe place.

A safe place to heal.

It looks impossible.

I am so weary.

I want to weep.

To wail.

But I hold back the tears

In fear.

In frustration.

In desperation.

Feeling like an outcast.

Unwanted.

Unloved.

Uncared for.

Trash.

I find no place.

No safe place.

For my heart to rest.

To heal.

To revive.

No place.

I hear

In the back of my mind.

Perhaps god has you here

So you can learn to face your past.

What?!

I thought I was already

Trying to heal my past.

I hear again.

I'm begging god

To hedge you in

Because

You are needed to evangelize

The group you came from.

What?!

Why would god force me

To stay in an unsafe place?

Have you heard from god directly?

How can you know gods will for my life

Better than me?

Are you saying

You have a better

Relationship

With god than I do

Therefore he has revealed this to you

And not to me?

Its like telling a wife

To go home and be more submissive

To her abusive husband.

It leaves me hanging.

Bewildered.

Confused.

Exhausted.

Is there no way out?

I'm trapped.

I'm stuck.

People spiritualize the situation

But have no idea

The damage they are creating

Or the toll its taking

On me.

I wonder how much longer

Before my mental health

Really breaks

Because of abuse.

Of unsafe people.

No safe place

For my heart to rest.

And heal.

And revive.

I'm so exhausted.

I just want to sleep.

To relax and rest.

To watch the birds in the sky.

To feel the warmth of the sun

On my face.

To hear the babbling

Of the water brook.

To have space to call my own.

A garden

To take care of.

And friends who want

To spend time with me.

And enough money

To provide for my needs and

Bless others too.

Not much;

You see.

I don't ask for much.

Just the simple things

That make life worthwhile

A safe place to call home.

A garden.

And friends that are real.

A safe space where rest and healing can happen.

A place to belong.

A place to heal.

A place to rest.

Till my weary body is rested

And my strength replenished

So that I can go out

And create a safe space

Where others can come and find

Rest.

Belonging.

Healing.

Healed to be a healer

In the journey of life

Pouring balm into wounds

Till the wounded go forth

To heal.

To create.

To make a difference

In a hurting world.