Finally Heard

Just a simple picture but there is so much depth in its layers...

There's a part of me that has been coming to the surface a lot in the past year. She has been trying so hard to be heard but instead it was working the opposite way, causing a lot of drama and hurt feelings, to the point of nearly losing my trauma professional. Nobody involved, including myself, seemed to understand why until this past week when I was asked if there is a part of me that is causing the drama. You see, in the middle of the situation it seems like it is me just being a pain and causing drama and just wanting to be heard and I can't see that it's actually a part of me that is begging for attention.

After I was asked if it is a part, I was able to stop and look inside and I began to see this trail through most of my life of when things didn't go as planned and I'd get extremely frustrated. There was a saying that was shared at some point in my young twenties or late teens that was about being flexible in life so you don't break. I can't remember the words but I remember the impression of the words and how I wished I could be flexible but this part always got in the way even though I didn't know why or what the reason was for it.

Another thing that came to mind is something I read about children that one of the people I follow on social media posted. It was something about when children are the most triggering and irritating and all dysregulated(a lot of people might say unloveable, disobedient, or acting out) that that was when they needed to be loved the most. Here I am an adult, and realizing that what I really wanted was to just be loved and heard, I felt shame that I as an adult shouldn't want to be loved, like I'm supposed to be a big girl and not need something like that. And I squashed it down. I couldn't bring myself to express it to either of my support people. I think it was another part that just felt unlovable and always at fault and to blame for any drama or conflict but it happened so fast that I didn't really think about how I was handling it or that I might even be feeling another part. Maybe I can see if I can show her some love and care after I'm done writing.

On Thursday I met with my counselor and told her about the drama and how I think it's a part. She then said that from her perspective from the outside of both parties that she wonders if this part finally feels safe enough that it is letting itself be heard, and using her child as an example said that when away from home people might comment about how well behaved they are and yet at home they feel safe enough that they can be all dysregulated but they know they will still be loved at their worse. The example resonated with me and I said that I think that is what is going on because I've never had that before and I think my parts finally are in a relationship where they feel safe enough to let themselves be heard and seen even if it isn't in the greatest way. Instead of seeing the situation as that we just aren't a good fit for each other and that I don't feel safe enough and therefore I lash out.

So last night my trauma professional and I had a session. And as I was telling her how I think it's a part and that the part just finally feels safe enough to let itself be heard/act out she asked if we could connect with that part and see what she has to tell us. Tears started to flow as I remembered a memory of when I was 18 and I missed out on going with some of my youth group to go to a state park for an afternoon of hiking. The person in charge was the first person I ever opened up to in my 18 years of trauma and abuse. (I looked up to her as she was about 6 years older than me and had lost her dad as a teenager I think and so I thought that because of what she went through she might be a good person to talk to. ) I admired her and wanted to be around her whenever possible. She was planning this event and I really wanted to go along but I didn't know if I could. She said that if I couldn't go along to let her know. When I found out I was allowed to go along, just to be sure I called her because I really wanted to make sure I would get to go along. Because she had told me to call if I can't go along she mistook my call to mean I can't go despite me telling her that I could go. So the day of the event I was waiting and waiting and after a while when no one showed up I called her mom to find out where they were. I found out they were gone and I was left behind. It was like a dagger went through my heart. I was so shut down that I don't think I could even cry about it. It was something so small and yet so big because it has followed me throughout my life for more than 20 years. Whenever plans got changed or people cancelled that part of me would raise its angry head in hurt and pain.

Even something as simple as driving the speed limit and some person behind me got impatient and passed me. It was as though once again I was rejected and abandoned and left behind. At times it nearly ruined my day. I wished I could be more flexible and gracious. Trying to tell myself it's their choice didn't help either.

Another example, when walking with someone and I had to walk faster or half run to keep up because of my shorter legs and once again I'd be afraid of being left behind. Or ridiculed or mocked for not being able to keep up. Which now brings to mind memories of my dad so I think there's even younger parts of me that are still hurting from not being able to keep up and being ridiculed/ mocked/ taunted because of it. It's like a very sore wound deep inside.

But that 18 year old part of me finally felt heard and seen last night. As I cried it felt like years of hurt flowed out, leaving that 18 year old part and me feeling connected and whole for the first time. Her burden of fear and pain was finally seen, heard and understood and in that safe space she felt loved and like she can just be herself for the first time in her life.

Now that this part has been unloaded of her burden she is now connected to me and now she is free to go with me on healing adventures. Now she can finally enjoy them too.

Another part of me has been found and rescued and brought into the family of parts that have been relieved of their burden. They are all a part of me and as each part is found and cared for I become more of a whole being becoming more free. It feels so good!!

Now we are off on adventures! As simple as trying a new recipe or exploring a new park. Freedom she never had before...

So if you are wondering what the painting signifies... the dark part on the left is where the 18 year old part of me was stuck in all her pain and fear. Along the path you can see a bench with 2 people. That is the 18 year old part and my adult self just resting and enjoying feeling connected finally. And the landscape to the right is for all the exploring and fun we will have as a whole being and as I become more and more connected with all my parts...

Thank you for reading and let me know your thoughts in the comments if you want ..