Back in the end of December just before Christmas I took my car to the mechanic to get a procedure done that was supposed to clean out the engine and change the PCR valve. I was told that it might not help the oil burning in the engine but at best it would be a very good maintenance procedure. I had barely gone several miles down the road when I started having a trouble when I accelerated to get through an intersection fast and smoke poured out of the exhaust and the engine didn't quite work like it was expected to. So I tried driving more carefully and being more sensitive to how fast I was accelerating so I don't burn oil as fast. Then started the days of having to check the oil before I went anywhere and just about every time. To my job was 40 minutes and it would burn a whole tank of oil just to get there and I'd have to fill it up every time I wanted to come home etc.; you get the idea. I probably spent several hundred dollars on oil just in the last several months.
Three weeks ago I was almost at work when there was a sound like I was driving through water and even though the snow was melting I wasn't driving through water. So I cracked the windows and listened. I noticed that every time that I stepped on the gas it made a whooshing air sound that kept increasing in sound the last 10 minutes to work. All I could do was hope my car would start and get me home after work.
After work my car started but the sound kept slowly increasing every time I stepped on the gas. I just kept trying to be as gentle as I could with the engine and hoping it won't leave me stranded. It kept getting worse every mile I went. The last half a dozen miles were so bad! It sounded almost like the pipe to the catalytic converter was broken but it was in the engine. Anybody within hearing distance could have heard that something was terribly wrong. It sounded like it was grinding in the engine. I was so relieved when I finally made it home.(This was on a Friday, Feb. 21)
On Monday I called work and told them I don't think my car will make another trip. I was told to see what happens till Friday. When I talked with my therapist on Tuesday I was so distraught because I had already tried everything I knew to get help through charities, organizations, and government programs. Because I don't have kids I fall through the cracks everywhere. It has been so frustrating and stressful exhausting every option I could find and I was still left with no help. She told me that after our session I shall go outside barefooted and ground and decompress in nature.
When I came back in an hour later I was checking my phone and she texted me saying that she found an organization that could help. Unbeknownst to her, I was already aware of the organization and had interacted with the a few years before and at the point I am now I didn't want anything to do with them. But I decided to give it a try since she said that they said they could help. They wanted to speak specifically with me but that didn't happen till the next day.
During all of this for about the last 4 weeks before this my root canal tooth had been causing me a lot of pain. I had the procedure first done about 8 years ago and redone about 1 1/2 years after that but it's always been a bit of a pain but never so bad that I thought I needed to do something about it. But this time it got so bad. I was in terrible pain. About half my face hurt so bad I cried. I didn't really have any painkillers in the house and I tried essential oils hoping it would help. Finally 2 friends told me that I should probably go to the ER and need emergency surgery. Going to the ER was intimidating as I didn't want to try to go alone and of course, being afraid of being taken advantage of was another very real fear, so I opted to go to the urgent care since that wasn't as scary. I was given an antibiotic with instructions to follow-up with a dentist.
It definitely helped the pain and knocked the infection to its knees but when the antibiotic was done the pain started returning and I knew I can't just let it go. I was able to get in to the dentist about a week later. He was very nice about it and said that sometimes there's a pocket of bacteria that just can't be taken care of. I was grateful for his understanding because I had been prepared to stand my ground in refusing a redoing of the root canal and requesting a referral to an oral surgeon. Without any fuss, I got a referral and a list of places to start looking for someone that can do it. This dentist visit happened the day before my last trip to work. And I walked away with the second antibiotic prescription...
After I finally got connected to the right person in the organization to get the proper details of my needs, I was told that my health was most important and that I need to get the tooth taken care of first and they will see what they can figure out about a vehicle.
The same evening I was sent contact information for someone who might be able to help me figure out how to get my tooth taken care of. Few places would work with my insurance and all places were booked out several months and I knew with the pain I couldn't wait that long. I finally decided my only option left is going to a walk-in clinic an hour away and the lady said she would take me. With this planned for the next week on a day that fit in her schedule, I started looking for alternatives that I could use to help my mouth heal after my tooth gets removed.
I came across oregano oil that a lady said had helped her with her root canal. That weekend my friend took me to run errands and I was able to find some at the health food store. I started taking it as prescribed on the bottle and within a day or two I noticed that my tongue was feeling normal again and the tingling and numbness had disappeared which meant it was fighting the infection.
The day to go to the walk-in clinic rolled around and she picked me up so that we could get there when the doors opened. It was an hour's drive and we got there a few minutes before so I waited till I saw some people go in. I walk in and wait in line and the lady left. I had found out she didn't live very far away. When my turn came at the window my jaw nearly dropped as the receptionist told me that they were not accepting any more walk-ins for the day. I didn't know what else to do so I asked if I could schedule an appointment because I didn't want to drive/have someone bring me from an hour away to be turned away again. I was able to schedule an appointment for two weeks later and after I walked outside I called to tell my driver that I was not able to get in after all. I felt bad because I figured that by this time she was half way home but it turned out that she was at Wendy's just down the street and came back to pick me up in a few minutes. There was nothing left to do but to drive an hour back to my house again. The poor lady ended up being on the road for over 4 hours with nothing to show for it. Thankfully I had the oregano oil and it was helping. Processing what had just happened I told her that I think I was being protected from something whether it was the experience or the treatment or something and that if I really listened to my intuition there was another place I'd rather go to. I just decided to try this place out of desperation because I wanted to get that dead tooth out of my mouth ( root canals are actually dead teeth).
By the time Friday came around and I needed to call my manager to give an update about my situation I still hadn't heard anything about a vehicle so I texted the organization. An hour later, not having heard anything back, I called my manager to give him an update and was told to call back by Wednesday if I haven't heard anything.
Early Monday morning I get a text from the person saying that they weren't able to find anything in the form a vehicle for me and offered again the option of their safe house that they apparently have in my parents' state. They also suggested talking to another person in the organization who happened to be the same person who had turned me away last year when I reached out to see if their housing program would accommodate my triggers and keep off the street but I had been turned away. It was very irritating to me for them to keep offering their housing program when that's not what I needed. The first phone call had already been quite triggering because they wanted to know all about my spiritual life and trying to bring God/Jesus into the conversation when that was totally not what I needed help with.
After I got the news that the only way they can help me is with their safe house and not the vehicle that they said they could, I cried. Then I remembered this video that I had seen the day before that, as click bait as it appeared at first, I had still gotten something good out of it, namely that, when bad situations happen it is an opportunity for us to flip it on our head and to get creative in using it to launch us in the direction we want to go with our life.
First I had to get my anxiety and fear under control so I watched this reiki video that has helped me before because I know I can't think very good or make good decisions if I'm desperate and I'd rather be in a good frame of mind as I try to figure out what to do next. After my anxiety and fear got put under control and I was able to think from a clear mind, I started thinking about what I really wanted to do with my life. The most immediate thing needing attention was my grocery store job. Even though my manager was kind and trying to work with me till I can figure something out I realized even more just what a thorn in the side this job had been to me ever since I had started it so I knew the first thing I'd do was to tell him I'm done because I don't see anytime in the foreseeable future that I'd be able to attain a vehicle and it wasn't fair to them to keep holding on to it for me. I decided to wait till after I talked to my therapist the next day.
I went outside to enjoy the morning sunshine and the birds for a bit and was thinking how nice it would be to have a bike so I could get out and about a bit and enjoy the beautiful weather since I don't have a vehicle anymore to go explore parks and nature preserves. I decided to ask the neighbor if he would take me to the bike store so I could get a bike. My thought process was that as I build up my strength eventually I will be able to bike to the stores where my second job as an independent contractor had been taking me. With that I'd also get to stores where I could get the basic necessities as well as enjoying more nature and getting outside of my backyard to take nature photos. I knew that letting go of my grocery store job would make me feel so much more free. I began to get so excited about how these changes would lead me towards the dreams I have for the future that I couldn't help smiling as I sat in the sunshine. I was so excited I wanted to jump up and down.
A few hours later I went outside again and as I was standing in the sunshine, enjoying the birds singing and my bare feet in the grass, and just thinking about life and observing the life happening around me I remembered a dream I had had a while ago that had been very puzzling at the time and even though I had discussed it with my support people we hadn't been able to figure it out. My search online didn't help much either at the time. I felt like there was a reason that I was remembering it at this time. My project for the day was working on another nature video which you can find here and all day as I was working on the video I couldn't stop thinking about the dream. Bits and pieces started coming back to my consciousness again.
Later in the day I finally looked in my notebook where I had documented it to see when it was and what details I had written down. I remembered more than I had remembered when I had written it down. It had started with a friend who then disappeared and I ended up behind the house. I was laying in the grass and enjoying a book if I remember correctly, when I felt something crawling on my right leg. As I brushed it off, for some undescribable reason, I felt the need to look at the sole of my left foot . To my shock and horror a 2 inch long bug had inserted half of it's back end under the skin of my foot. I pulled it out as fast as I could and tried to squeeze out whatever it tried to inject under my skin. The liquid was milky and I could only imagine it was laying eggs under my skin for some unknown reason. Just the thought alone of being an incubator for an insect's eggs nearly made me sick. As I inspected my foot, with horror, I discovered two other spots where two more injections had happened that I hadn't even felt. The only thing I had felt through the entire process was when I pulled the third insect from under my skin and feeling a light pain in the region, for example, if you ever got injected or a big sliver under the skin and the needle or sliver was pulled out, it was that kind of a pain. I found myself shuddering and woke up. It was so strange but I couldn't figure out what it might mean if anything. An online search brought up that insects laying eggs under skin could mean new changes or good things happening.
I won't touch on the person in the dream but it is nearly four months since that dream and the only thing I can think it might mean is that I'm walking into my gifts and dreams and that I'm embracing the changes that I'm dealing with. At this point I can't think of anything else it might mean but that might be unveiled later as well.
The next day I told my therapist about all of it and my thought process and everything. I didn't know how she would respond because to some people it might look crazy to make the choices I was about to make. But she said she was so proud of me and she understood how I was trying to take this lemon of a situation and turn it onto its head. She expressed frustration for just how broken the system and is and how neither of our efforts in figuring out a way to attain a car for me was fruitful.
I also realized that morning just how angry I was with religious people in general, and just how angry I was for how I've been let down throughout my entire life by people who claimed to be followers of Jesus yet choose not to help or added more harm to the load I was already carrying because of everything I'd already been through with their gaslighting, spiritual bypassing and manipulation. I woke up early and couldn't sleep so I decided to get up and make a collage. I felt like that organization only wanted to try to get me into their safe house so they could take control of my life and dictate (or try to) what I believed and how I lived my life. It gave me really bad vibes from the first time they mentioned it. It's not that I had wanted to leave Christianity in the first place but after I had done some deep digging into how the Bible was put together and by whom and how the Israelite God developed through the centuries from what has been discovered in ancient texts and in archeological digs, it just caused my whole religious belief to collapse because with critical thinking and using one's brain that we've been given to use, I found holes everywhere. All the things that I had questioned had come to the surface. For example, the Old Testament contains the ten plagues that basically brought the Egyptian empire to it's knees in the Bible but from what I could gather the Egyptians have no record of the ten plagues. If this did happen, then why wouldn't it have been documented. Plus the God of the Old Testament is as bad as some of the most horrible leaders like Stalin and Hitler and yet Christians are taught to just excuse all the horrible things that he dictated. He doesn't even seem like the same God as the God of the New Testament. The more I dug to find answers the more it all fell apart and became a myth that has developed over millennia just like all the other religions that Christianity claims is a myth. (Anyway, enough of that. If the reader is interested they can go dig for themselves. Others will not be open to it because they are too scared to ask hard and honest questions about what they have taught. )
I remembered how sage has spiritual significance and I know lots of people burn it / use it to smudge to remove negative energy etc from a person or area and I saw my eucalyptus and sage candle that my sister had given me and decided to burn it. I didn't want to hold on to the anger and I thought why not light it while I work on my collage? So as I pasted down each word depicting my feelings about the situation and what would happen if I went to their safe house like they were offering, I as breathed in the scent of the burning candle. About half way through, I was very present as I was pasting down the words expressing my anger and resistance to religious people and as I smelled the scent of the candle I felt my anger releasing out of my system and it felt so good I found myself grinning in delight. Here is a picture of the collage and below I'll explain the phrases and why I chose them.
Just stop- as in telling Christians to just stop saying they can help and then they don't after all as well as stop trying to get me to go to your "safe" house
Anger, let down, disappointed - how I was feeling
No safe house for me - my resistance to what they were saying is the only thing they can offer
Bad vibes, sensitive - I am sensitive, and this offer is giving me very bad vibes
Plan your escape- yeah, I definitely made my escape by not accepting their offer. I laughed when I saw it before I cut it out. Another part of my resistance...
Dread, dark & deep- what I would feel if I took them up on their offer. Not only would it be closer to my parents which I wouldn't be comfortable with, but it would also disrupt basically everything in my life and take me back to where I came from which would make life feel dark and deep
Crushed skills, gifts and inspiration - some of the things I'm exploring now would not be allowed in their community or while under their control
No open mind - most religious people don't have open minds and going to their safe house would put me in a lot of hot water with what my belief system has morphed into
Gaslighting, spiritual bypassing, and manipulation- happens all the time in religious communities and has caused so much harm and trauma in my own life as well
No time for dreaming - most of my dreams would be crushed if I allowed the religious community to gain control of my life again
No time to be/ have freedom or autonomy- I would lose so much progress and be traumatized if I went to their safe house
Protect what matters most, my parts - so many part of me and my life have been harmed, abused and traumatized by religious people who claim to follow the teachings of Jesus but their actions are the opposite. Now that I've finally broken free my parts deserve to be free and have a safe place to express themselves and that would not happen if I went to their safe house...
After I was done talking to my therapist I spent nearly an hour making all the necessary phone calls; telling my manager I'm done, texting my neighbor to see if he is willing to take me to the bike shop, and figuring out how to get rid of my car and the steps I need to take to do it legally. It felt so good and I felt so much more free!
A bit later I went outside to enjoy the beautiful day and had a beautiful experience with a bee which you can read here.
The next day (Wednesday) someone was going to pick up my car and the title around noon. Noon came and went and finally around 2:45 pm I called to see when I can expect them or what is going on. I was told it's been a rough day with tow truck problems and if they don't show up today yet they will get it first thing in the morning before 11 am. I'm so happy to be rid of this car that has caused me so much trouble ever since I got it!
The neighbor said he would take me to the bike store but it ended up not working out that day and he said the next day (Wednesday) should work. I found myself so excited with the prospect of owning a bike again and having some mobility! It's been so hard being cooped up in my house and yard with no place to really be able to go and not having the courage to go out walking past all the houses. I just don't like to be seen🫣
And so here are my new wheels!
I called the day before (Tuesday) and was told that they had some for half off, making it $300. There was still a blue one left by the time that I got there and I was so happy. The only other color was black and I have had enough black in my life to last me the rest of my life lol. I even took it for a spin down to the railroad tracks after I got home.
When I got back from my spin one of my friends in other state texted me asking if I had ever heard of the book Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer? I said yes that I've been wishing for one! Just a few days before a friend had posted on Facebook asking about where/ how to find books on history written by actual native Americans and in my search results was the book Braiding Sweetgrass and I wished I could get myself one. My friend said she would send it to me free of charge the next day and that I should get it in about 3 days. I follow a few native Americans and other indigenous people from around the world because I want to learn about the culture and wisdom that the white man and Christianity has tried to wipe out and still are trying to. This book is about nature, plants and indigenous wisdom that seems right in line with what I would like to explore. I've seen a post somewhere on Facebook about a white man who went either to Africa or Australia to live with the indigenous people and they thought it was the most saddest thing that he couldn't hear the stars and that has fascinated me. I'm usually too scared to go out at night but one evening last weekend I did when it was supposed to be clear and I saw the stars sparkling away, I had to go out and at least look up at them for a minute. I was immediately drawn to the Orion constellation almost directly above me. It's been a long time since I actually tried to look at the stars just to see them. I've been either too scared or too weighted down with life and the horrible situations I found myself in. But I'm so excited to read this book!
The next morning I went out to get my trashcan after the trash guy went and noticed 3 wooden pallets leaning against the building next door. About half an hour later I saw a worker out front so I asked if I can have them. I had been thinking that I would have to buy some wood to make a lean-to rack to lean against the house so I can grow some veggies without creating too many bare spots in the yard from the pot bottoms. I am so happy with them because even if I end up not using them for that I can use the wood for other things. Now I'm trying to come up with a moveable design that will work for my situation and yard...which means I will need to get some plastic for a liner, dirt to fill up the beds and some kind of wheels so I can move them around so it doesn't make bare spots in the yard like it would if I just set pots in the grass. We will see if the dollars show up for such a project...
I really hope I can find a way to grow food because I have a feeling I will lose my food stamps now with not being able to work a job at this point. I think once a month there might be free food distribution down the street but I haven't checked to make sure so if I can figure out a way to grow food it would be awesome!
Then today (Saturday) my local friend took me shopping so I could get groceries and other necessities and I am so grateful! She had other plans for later so I didn't want to take up more of her time than necessary. One of the things I chose to let go was going to the dollar store to see if I can find fake flowers that would work for miniatures. I tried to stock up for a month on food so I don't have to bother her too soon again to take me for food and I was nearly out of some craft supplies so I wanted to stock up on a few craft things as well since I'm now trying to make miniatures to sell. I really wanted to get some fake flowers but decided to just do without for now thinking that if I can build up my strength in a week or two I'll be able to get to the Dollar General 6 miles away and then I'll probably be able to get some there...
When I got home I put away all my groceries and then as I was going to sit on the sofa to check social media, etc. I remembered that the book my friend was sending me was going to be coming today and since it was already 3 PM I decided to go see if the mail lady had gone. As soon as I got the package out of my mailbox I realized there was more inside than just the book. A surge of excitement flowed through me as I didn't know what to expect but this friend knows I like miniatures and has more than once sent me packages of miniatures. I started ripping it open as I walked barefoot through the grass. When I finally got a corner tore open and saw what it was I was so delighted. Some little flowers! I waited till I came inside before opening the package further because it is windy and I didn't want anything to blow away. I ripped open the package and dumped it on the sofa. As I admired the contents with delight tears filled my eyes. Once again an unspoken need had been filled at least a little bit.
Another thing that has been on my wishlist was the little toolbox with tools! I was so delighted to see these tiny tools!
I am so happy! It's been a crazy week with all the decisions, sleepless nights, and all the beautiful things that have been happening nearly every day. My heart is so happy! I'm excited for the good things that are coming! And I'm just so delighted with how my needs and wishes are being met in ways I never expected! Yes, my car still sits in my driveway. I don't what the problem is that it hasn't been picked up yet. I've called several times. I guess this car still wants to give me more problems lol. Hopefully it will be picked up on Monday. It will then feel like I can close that chapter of my life and walk into a new one. Life looks beautiful and exciting right now. It looks like my life has pivoted towards my dream life which I definitely did not expect to happen so fast. But here I am, riding the wave of change, excited to see where this journey will take me! 🤍
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