A week ago I was finally able to get back into doing inner healing work. I was scared because it felt like it has been so long since I had even connected with my parts and it felt like I had to relearn everything.
It was kind of a blur and I don't remember much from that session except the parts that we connected with.
A month ago it felt like my body had basically collapsed and I was scared because I didn't know what would happen. I had felt it coming for several years now with each year getting worse with me being able to work less and less hours putting me into quite a predicament. I was also in so much pain and from online descriptions seemed to tick all the boxes for fibromyalgia.
My trauma professional and I both believe that the pain comes from unresolved trauma and abuse especially from my abusive employers and the way they treated me. With that in mind, the goal is to process and resolve the damage they did to hopefully release the parts that carry the pain and fatigue.
The first session we did any work was a week ago, tackling this thing head on. The memory that came to the surface was from the week after the episode in the office where they scolded me for 3 hours. It had been their last week at the store training the new owners. So after that day in the office I don't remember seeing them till the next week when they stopped by the store to say hi.
I was busy stocking shelves and they came over to say hi to me. I could talk to her but I couldn't hardly look at him since he was the one who had done most of the talking in the office. The thing that stood out the most in the memory is how they acted like nothing happened and yet they had pretty much uprooted my life by the way they had treated me in the office several days before.
I felt angry. I wanted to do something to them to punish them. I wanted to put duct tape on their mouth so that they can't talk to me anymore. I just couldn't wrap my head around how they could act like they hadn't done anything wrong, like that 3 hour stint in the office never happened. It was maddening, you know, how when someone has so much cognitive dissonance that you wish you could knock some sense into their brain...
I don't remember much more from that session but towards the end we were able to connect with another part, who when asked if she needed or wanted anything, just replied that no, we're good. With a little more digging the reason was that it's never been safe enough to express any needs or wants.
The next day I had to work but I was in horrible pain. All day. I kept checking with that part to see if she needed anything but she kept saying that she is good. It was heartbreaking and frustrating because I wanted to befriend my parts and create a safe place for them. And of course the pain didn't help either...
My trauma professional offered to do another session that evening if I felt up to it to see if it would resolve the horrible pain I was dealing with.(I had her relatively pain free for the past two weeks and got so into the playing mode, I guess because I finally felt safe enough so it seemed that the pain was triggered by the parts we had connected with the evening before.) I eventually decided that if it would help diminish the pain then I might as well accept the offer.
This time we connected with a part that was between 5-8. I hated my body(the part did.) When asked why the only thing I could remember was when looking at a picture of my classmates and I, my dad said I looked fat. And the year before that when being homeschooled I remember my dad sitting beside me at the kitchen table to show me how to write my math answers because apparently I wasn't listening to mom. I remember feeling fear so bad it was hard to concentrate. But there's still a several year gap that I have no memory of.
I don't remember anything more right now from that session but it definitely resolved most of the pain I had been feeling. (I had a chiropractor appointment a few days later that took care of the rest of it. Sometimes I just sit too long and it puts my back out of whack because I don't have good posture which I think also comes from different protective parts as well.) But we did come up with the conclusion that even though my abusive employers did horrible damage in my life so many of the parts they damaged were parts that were already damaged by my parents. If I hadn't been so hungry for love, affection and connection that I never got from my parents I wouldn't have fallen so much into their trap.
Then a day ago I had another session. I hadn't been having any pain worth speaking about till we had been chatting for a bit so we tried connecting with that part. The middle of my back was hurting and as I was curious about it the feeling I got was of a crouching, slinking in fear as a teenager trying to stay out of sight so I don't get hurt. There was no freedom to even be myself. It was just about survival. Just trying to survive and not get on the wrong side of my parents. Slinking through or around the back of the barn, terrified of getting caught.
I tried to connect with that part but I was just met by an angry and tough part. It was just horrible what I had to live with daily at the hands of my parents. There was also a lot of sadness but I felt like I couldn't connect with it because the tough angry part was in the way. The next thing I know my trauma professional was expressing how angry she was towards my dad and how horrible he had been treating me and somehow it broke through the tough angry barrier and I started crying. I cried for a while as she expressed her anger towards my dad for his treatment of me.
After I stopped crying she asked me how I felt and I said just really tired and drained. She asked what happened to the anger and I said it disappeared. It had just been a facade. A protecter part. Because of the pain that lay behind the protecter part.
Another memory came to mind and it was really hard to even put it into words. Like I knew what it felt like and I knew there were words for it but for some reason I just had a really hard time putting things into words during most of the session actually. The memory was again of when I was a teenager and for some reason there was a ditch dug from the shop to the house and we were laying tile pipe or something. I said something to my dad and he replied "Fool dich" basically meaning "you fool". I was hurt and remembered a verse in Matthew 7 I think that talks about not calling anyone a fool for fear of judgement or something. And I tried to wrap my head around the fact that my dad had just called me a fool. Part of me cared deeply about this person who was technically my parent and wanted to be like him but in reality he literally didn't even act like a parent.
As I tried to put this memory into words I began to cry tears of hurt and grief. And through my mind marched so many other memories of my dad doing the same thing with others, even the time when I heard him say to his brother he could almost kill him. I took a bit of stumbling around with my words before I could finally put into words that my dad always had to be the one on top which is what happened in my memory. He was not a loving, teaching dad like he should have been but instead it was always to be in control, on top, the best. It didn't matter if it was his kids or his siblings.
Towards the end of the session my trauma professional asked if that teenage part would like to come be with me now. I said she already is. I explained how for almost the past 2 weeks when I get into playing mode I feel more whole than I've ever felt in my life. I said I think its because I feel safe in my space and I get lost in working on my dollhouse or trying new recipies or canning food. It's almost like I'm playing kitchen from my child parts but in an adult body. Before when I wasn't in a safe space sometimes my parts would "go home" with my trauma professional and she would care for them because I wasn't able to at the time. In IFS training they're taught to ask if the parts want to come to the present where they are safe and they don't have to stay back in that painful memory. But I said that now that I feel safe and can get into playing mode it feels like they're already with me,(technically they're me), that now we just have to go back and unload the painful burdens they're carrying so that we can become more and more of a whole person, all my parts integrated into who I am today. To be present and in the moment, fully enjoying life...except when I have to go to work.
Thankfully I have not had much pain since that session but I had talked with my one sister for 3 hours that afternoon and I've been trying to touch base with another sister and I noticed last night that I felt very dysregulated and I didn't know why. Even though I slept well when I finally fell asleep, I woke up this morning feeling very dysregulated and out of sorts. As I dressed I realized I was feeling really frustrated and harsh with myself and I thought that perhaps it's a part. So I started being curious and within half a minute I knew that it had a name and its name was grief.
Grief for my family situation.
Grief for the reality of who my parents really are.
Grief for how much I've been harmed by them.
Grief for how much I still long for them to be real parents.
Grief for how much I long to have an amazing relationship with them.
Grief.
Just so much grief.
Now I don't feel so out of sorts. I'm still really sad but now I think I feel some compassion for myself instead of frustration and I am trying to find ways to nurture myself. I need to leave for horse therapy and even though it's a hot day I'm planning to go to a park later and just enjoy nature and the outdoors...
Healing is happening and I'm glad that the pain is not as bad as it had been...and hopefully I will soon be back to painting as well...
Very well processed and written.