Yesterday was the third time that I spent time with Rose, my therapy horse. She is brown all over with a big round belly.
Last week when I was there, towards the end of our session, my horse therapist took me over to a whiteboard on the other side of the arena to show me how human brains work different than horse brains. In the middle was 4 boxes shaped as an upside down triangle. The bottom box was named something equivalent to survival mode. The next one said movement and balance. The third one said emotions and connection. The top one said something along the lines of being creative and problem-solving.
Next to this upside down triangle of 4 boxes was another triangle, but right side up. This was to show how horse brains work differently. She explained how if I or the horse cannot get on the same level than the other one will either implode or explode. For example, if I'm in survival mode but Rose is in the emotion and connection phase than I would implode(shut down) or explode(yell,scream,etc). Same with Rose. She might disassociate(shut down) or start running around (explode).
She explained that if I'm in survival mode then it will be next to impossible for me to talk about and feel painful things and I would just shut down or explode because I'm not on the right level where I can connect or feel emotions. That I need to be able to climb up the levels and eventually I will be able to talk and feel more. When she said that I realized that she isn't going to push me to talk but that we will work on other things first till I can feel safe enough to get to that third level in my brain where it will come more naturally. It really helped me feel more safe and not pressured to go faster than I can and that we will go at the pace I am able to go. That meant a lot to me.
Another thing she explained is how horses desire honesty. For example, if I'm not feeling safe or disassociating( the bottom box of the triangle) the horse will not want to be near me. That it is better to come in the presence of a horse as in I'm broken but I'm trying to heal. As she said that, this picture came to mind.
But, as I thought about it, I didn't feel broken. I felt wounded. Almost like I had deep wounds all over my body from all the horrible abuse and bad experiences I've survived over the years. So I painted it the best I could. It was the first thing I told my horse therapist about when I saw her yesterday.
This was another painting I painted as well.
It is how I feel in this world lately. All the drama and cruelty and passive aggressiveness going on around me just grates at my being. In fact, I wondered if it might eventually kill me if I couldn't get away from it. Probably in some ways it would. If not physically.
My spirit wasn't made for all those nasty things. I was made for beauty. For peace. To be in tune with nature. For love and care and compassion. Kindness. Gentleness. Connection. It's what my being thrives on. But after everything I've already been through it feels like I'm about at my limit of what more I can handle that grates the life out of me. I try to distance myself as much as I can. But it is impossible to avoid it all.
Overall it was a good week. And I felt empowered. But I wasn't quite sure why. After yesterday's session I think I know why. I believe it is because I finally have a bit more stable weekly support that I can count on. I feel supported a bit more than I have in a quite a long time. And it makes me feel able and free to do a little bit more activities than I had been doing. I'm still tired but I feel like I can enjoy working on my projects a little more. And I'm more excited about trying new things, for example, tomorrow I want to can some meat and make bread(I still have one person to pay for helping me move my furniture in the form of homemade bread). I will also probably work on my dollhouse as a way to get myself into the creative part of my brain. And if I have the energy and motivation I might stir up some dry mixes for my pantry. Or dry some veggies in the dehydrator that can be used for soup later...
Back to yesterday's horse therapy session...I wasn't feeling the greatest because the dizzy spells came back on Saturday night and they usually keep me from sleeping well and my stomach often is queasy through the day. It also causes my anxiety to go sky high. It's hard enough to go to bed but the dizziness makes it twice as hard. It usually lasts about 2 weeks. So I told her about it after I showed her my paintings.
I had painted another picture on Monday night. I thought maybe there was a part of me that needed attention and that was perhaps what triggered the dizzy spells. As I worked on my dollhouse I tried to figure what part might need attention. Only two words came to mind: fear and terror. This is what I felt like inside so I painted it.
After I showed her all the paintings I told her about the other things that were on my mind. After I had talked about most of the things I wanted to share she then asked if she could give me some breathing exercises. I said that I had been given one in the past called 4-7-8 breathing, I couldn't remember the name for it, but essentially you inhale 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds and breathe out slowly for 8 seconds. I said I might not remember them and that I struggle to do the breathing exercise so as it is as I tried to explain it to her.
She said that's okay and proceeded to name 3 simple breathing exercises. She explained how when breathing in and holding your breath causes your body to go into fight or flight mode and that breathing out and holding your breath leads to depression. I didn't research this to see if there's scientific evidence but she said that when you breathe in and hold your breath it causes your pores to contract so that if I mosquito was sucking your blood it couldn't get away and it would explode. I thought that was funny and I'd like to watch that except I can't hold my breath that well. But it made sense to me. I think that's why I struggled so much.
The exercises she gave me are very simple and easy.
-Breathe in slowly then breathe out. Keeping breathing out as much as you can. Then let your lungs pull in the air they need. (It reminded me of the bulb-like apparatus that my mom used to clean babies noses when they were to small to blow their noses. You could squeeze it as hard as you could but when you let go it pops back to its original shape) In essence, that's what you do with your lungs.
-You breathe in a normal breath and then another fast breath and then slowly exhale.
-Breathe in slowly and then when you exhale make a sighing sound. The sound helps your nervous system relax.
I explained to her about the "voo" exercise I've been doing to help me sleep.(You make the "v" sound as long and deep as you can and you should be able to feel the vibration in your stomach meaning that it is stimulating the vague nerve and helps your body relax.) As I explained it she said that's because you have energy in your stomach. Like when you were in the womb that's where you were connected and got your needs met. So we have this bundle of energy in our stomachs about the size of our fist and she said thats how we can communicate with horses. I said that sounds weird. She agreed but said that that's how it works. By focusing on our stomach as in taking deep, slow breaths with our stomach and it communicates with horses.
After I had about talked myself out I still had about 15 minutes and she asked if I wanted to try to brush Rose for a bit. I said yes and she handed me the brush bucket. I picked out the brush and slowly walked over to Rose on the other side of the arena. I held the brush towards her to ask for consent(yes, horses can give consent). She slightly turned her head away and me not being sure if she said yes or no, stood there for a bit, not really sure what to do, watching a horse fly buzz around, and occasionally holding the brush towards her but it seemed like she was tired and trying to take a nap.
My horse therapist asked what it seems like she's doing. I said it seems like she's taking a nap and I don't want to disturb her. She replied that Rose is actually disassociating a bit and it's not good for her and suggested I move to her hip area, reminding me of the ball of energy in my stomach, and told me to point that energy in my stomach towards her hip and to focus on my stomach and take some slow deep breaths. In less than minute Rose "came to her senses" and turned towards me and stepped closer, allowing me to brush her.
As I brushed her, my horse therapist said that if she seems to "disconnect" again to move back towards her hip area again. For the most part she seemed connected and kept shaking her head at the flies that were bothering her.
Eventually I switched to the other side trying to find an itchy spot that would make her lean into my brushing but before I knew it, it was time to take her back to the barn. My horse therapist asked me if I could get her to come with me to put her halter on and remembering how I used to do with Flicka, I internally "invited"(similar to a thought) her to come with me. And she did! It made me so happy to have her connected with me and walking beside me. I put her halter on and handed the rope to my horse therapist. She checked to make sure that I wasn't ready to lead her to the barn and I said not yet. On the way to the barn she said that when I catch myself being hard on myself to take a deep breath. She had said something earlier to which I had replied about being hard on myself. After Rose was put in her stall she was given a few treats as a reward.
And so, I feel like I am already learning a lot. The biggest thing though I think is just having more weekly support and a safe place to talk as well as being heard. It really feels empowering because I haven't had so much stable weekly support in quite a while now. It really does have a big effect on me feeling empowered or not. Just having a safe place to talk without feeling pressured is huge for me.
Because of feeling more supported and empowered I have been able to start working on my dollhouse. And finish some other projects, like reupholstering an old chair and creating a pretty bed for the large doll I found at the thrift store the other week. I was able to paint again as you saw above. And now I'm able to write again as well. It feels so good.
Tomorrow I want to can some meat and bake bread( I still owe a loaf of bread to one of the people who helped me move my furniture a while ago). I would like to work more on my dollhouse and maybe put some more veggies in the dehydrator to dry for later use. I'm trying to put as much food away as I can now because my food stamps aren't reaching and I discovered how much it puts me in survival mode when I don't have money for food or I don't know if I have enough food to last till I can spare some funds for food.
On top of that my car needs more repairs and my phone's charging port is giving out and so I will need to get a new one soon. On the way home today I was again so frustrated with myself for not having the energy to work more even though I have been putting a lot of effort into my online endeavors with no result and the trajectory seems to be snowballing fast downhill and it drives me nearly insane trying to figure out something better to make ends meet let alone thrive. But I remembered my horse therapist's words about taking a deep breath when I catch myself being hard on myself and so i took a deep breath and told myself that I honestly am doing the best I can. In fact, I just now remember having been told in the past that maybe I try too hard. Sigh. I don't know how a person is supposed to get out of the survival stage when they can't even earn enough to cover all the expenses. It will keep going downhill unless there's some drastic changes somewhere. But, even though this is my reality I have to think/do something else before it drives me crazy...
So anyway, thanks for reading and taking an interest in what is happening in my corner of the word and I hope you have some new or interesting information to take with you from all my ramblings. Any questions, feel free to comment below! I always look forward to comments...or likes...or ratings...
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