It's Time to Play

I haven't been writing much lately because I've been so exhausted and haven't had the energy to really even do fun things. And worrying about where the money is going to come from has been stressing me out and causing so much brain fog. Plus overdoing it trying to get my online stuff going in a profitable direction as well. Usually I want to write about the healing that's been happening but it seems that nearly everything is about sexual abuse and so I am not really comfortable sharing too much of that at this point. Plus it could be really triggering for some people. The goal of my writing is to help people know that they are not alone in their struggles and that there are other survivors who get it. I have no desire to trigger anyone because I know how horrible it can be.

I had a session on Wednesday afternoon which was more sexual molestation from when I was so young I had no words. It didn't feel like it was all resolved though.

The next several days were rough. At night I woke up very often. I was in pain most of the time. Along with a lot of sadness. At one point it was hard to not go down the rabbit hole to porn(which is from a part who wants to try to fix the problem as soon as possible by trying to understand how everything works) but I had to charge my phone so it kept my curiosity from getting the best of me.

Then last night we had another session (4 days later). We talked a while about how to find ways to make ends meet till my brain was about fried and I just couldn't really think. Eventually the subject changed and we started a neuro sensory exercise starting with my toes. Just noticing my toes. Sending "breath" to them to help them " open" up and release any trauma or tension that is there. Next my ankles. Same procedure. On the way up my body taking about a minute or two for each section of my body. Till we got to my hips...

My hips/pelvic area is a very sensitive area for me right now. It's hard to focus on that part of my body because of all the trauma, fear, and pain that is held in that area. My trauma professional suggested seeing that area as a container and to send breath there to fill it up to calm and relax that area and to release any emotions or trauma that might come up. That anything is welcome.

I started feeling aroused and was scared because I was afraid more memories were coming to the surface but my trauma professional expressed curiosity about what that part might want to tell us or show us. That it is safe and anything is welcome. And I might need to be her voice.

So I listened for what she wanted to share and she said she just wants to play. Just to have fun like she never could before. Such a simple request. (But it seems so impossible because work is stressing me out so much and I was so exhausted I called off on Saturday because I would not have been worth much and I felt so miserable. It was a struggle to make the decision because the extra $30 would've been a blessing. )

We had a bit of a conversation with this part and I don't remember much at the moment (if I remember more I will add it) but my back had been hurting throughout most of the session, and when asked how I was feeling after the conversation I said that my back was hurting. It's often a specific part of my back that hurts and its often an unexplainable pain in that I don't see any physical reason why that part of my back should be hurting. This hurting part was just below my shoulder blades.

When I mentioned the back aching my trauma professional expressed curiosity again and asked if that part had any concerns or worries that she wanted to share. Right away I knew. That part of me was concerned that if she didn't hold me back with pain and fatigue I'd be working myself to the bone to try to get to a better place financially and so I can buy my own land to live on and make a living off of. And that meant that there would be no time to play or do the fun things that I never got to do as a child.

Yes, I am an adult. But I'm an adult who never had an actual childhood. The sexual abuse started when I was a tiny toddler still wearing a diaper. I am an adult who needs to play. My biggest job right now is to heal and a huge part of that is to play. And by playing I mean having fun in the kitchen baking, cooking, and canning as well as working on my dollhouse and playing with it. Add to that tea parties with real food with dolls and friends. Going for exploring walks in the woods and listening and watching the birds and animals. Redoing my furniture to make it like I want it. Believing in fairies and creating my own decorations for each season like I never have had the chance to do before. Most of all , to be free and without worry so I can fully enjoy all those things. (Which would be more possible if I didn't have to go to the workplace to try to make ends meet with my meager income.)

I had 2 weeks a month or two ago where I felt free to fully enjoy all my fun activities but then I had to use up the rest of my savings to pay my rent and it put me back in survival mode and I have been unable to climb back out of the brain fog, stress and worry since then.

Its just extremely frustrating. I've been pushing myself so hard with my online stuff and it didn't help that my horse therapist was pushing me to take more steps forward when I was already overwhelmed. (I am actually stopping horse therapy because I'm healing on a deeper level than horse therapy can help me and basically I was going for the co regulation with Rose, my therapy horse, which would be just as helpful if I had a pet or volunteered at an animal shelter or something. But I'm afraid that I'd get too attached to the animals at the shelter because I know what its like to live in a shelter and I can't have any pets at my apartment. ) Just hearing that part say how if she didn't cause me pain I'd be way too busy and wouldn't take the time to do the things that are actually healing was kind of unnerving in a way. I knew she was right. I'd go back into the rat race like "normal" society and all my developing talents and creativity would get kinda smashed down again. My trauma professional said that she senses that right now it would be most healing if I could just "play" and not worry about financial stuff.

My adult mind doesn't want to agree. I want to be "normal" and fit in with society (which I never did anyway.)🤦‍♀️ I don't like to have to use other people's money or depend on others to pay my rent so I can stay off the streets. I admit I am fiercely independent probably due to never having people I could depend on as a child to help me and comfort me and it really goes against my grain. But with my body given out and all the fatigue and pain, I am extremely grateful for the kind hearts that share their hard earned money to help me stay out of survival mode so I can heal better.

Realizing that play is what I need to heal right now feels almost like a taller order than I can fulfill. It would make it much easier if I had enough financial support to where I could stay out of the workplace and work on my own things and play. I doubt its possible but it really would help so much right now. Today at work was miserable. I was so tired and my feet hurt and I felt like I had no energy.

I want to work so this is a real struggle for me. I guess I should stop harping about. I'm sure its getting tiring for those who hear it the most. And I'm afraid people will think I'm just sponging off people and taking advantage because I look normal on the outside. I'm especially afraid of losing my food stamps. That would be an extra $250 a month I would need to come up with. I'm hoping that I can set up an indoor plant station to grow veggies in winter to help a little bit. But of course that will take money to get supplies which I don't have right now.

Hopefully I can save up enough to get some kind of a set up and lights even though I have to first figure out where I will put it in my tiny space.

I have so many dreams.

I have so many things I want to do.

Not just for myself but others too.

But I have this body that's been wounded to the point where I have a hard time just taking care of myself some days let alone trying to make ends meet.

What a life this has been.

I really do hope that the best is yet to come...and that somehow I will get the freedom and ability to actually play in a healing way like my body needs right now...

A photo just because apparently the neighborhood cat was sitting on top of my car at one point this morning...you can see the footprints as she jumped down...

And if you happen to be reading this and would like to help you can donate through this platform. On the home page at the bottom are some slides and one of them has a place where you will be able to donate...

Also if you'd rather use PayPal, here is my ID: preciousruby777@protonmail.com

And if all you want to do is read, that is okay too. If it is worth your time to share it, that would be awesome. It would definitely help get more traffic to my website which I would greatly appreciate.

And as always, thank you for taking the time to read what I write. Maybe one day it will help someone know that they aren't alone.