I want to say how much I appreciate the people who genuinely care about me as a person for who I am and those who have invested in my situation. If it wasn't for those people I would not be where I am today.
I was just thinking today of how I used to write so much about my healing journey but since I landed in the shelter last October I haven't had much progress to write about, especially about IFS sessions. It seems like ending up in the shelter and the grueling months of trying to survive and get out into a safe place and not ending up on the streets instead has kinda turned everything on its head. Even after I was able to get out into a safe place with a lot of help I haven't been able to make much progress. That in itself is a loss that I've been grieving. Part of me wants to offer an apology to those who have been following my journey but I know that the cause has been due to things out of my control.
I'm very grateful for all the healing that has happened but I know that I still have quite a ways to go. For the time being IFS has kinda been put on hold. I've just had one stressor after the next trying to stay afloat financially that it's consumed me much more than I ever wanted it to. Currently it's my car that's on its last leg and I'm not sure how I'm going to acquire something better that's not just gonna cause me a whole lot of trouble. This car has caused me so much trouble from when I first got it 4 years ago that I probably have as much in it as I paid for it. I haven't been able to think much else the last several months as things went from bad to worse. Now it's only a matter of time before it's done and I try not to worry what will happen then...
I have started with a new professional who uses IFS and even though we are both excited for the journey ahead, it will take a while to build up trust to where I will be able to do IFS again. I try to take care of my inner child as I am able but with everything going on with my car as well as trying to start a new job I barely have energy left for much else. By Saturday's I am out of sorts and exhausted. The last 2 weekends have been really rough. I spent most of the day on the sofa yesterday because I was so exhausted but I get so tired of trying to rest so that I have energy to do what I need to do to survive.
There is so much grief right now. It takes the words away and all that's left are deep emotions that I don't really have expression for. I'm just trying to survive. Trying to do what I can to get to a better place. But...some days I despair. I've tried so hard. I've come so far. I don't want to stop now. But I'm so tired. So exhausted. And so frustrated. I have no other words to describe it.
And so, I hope you'll bear with me. I hope one day I will be able to get back to IFS healing. I hope one day I'll get back to painting again. I hope one day I'll have things to share about my healing journey again that might be helpful for others. I hope one day I will be able to have more energy once I'm doing the things I really love. Like having a garden. And so much more.
But for now I hope you can bear with the not so deep blog posts about recipes and miniatures and other things. They will keep coming unless I run out of energy. So will the YouTube videos. I will continue to do them once a week as I can.
I'm just in a really hard place right now. I do see the light at the end. I do have hope. I have a deep gut feeling that things will continue to get better. Some days I just can't hold onto those things very well though. And I feel so alone in the midst of it all...
So if you wonder what I might need here are a few things:
Most pressing need is to somehow get a better vehicle because that will lift such a load off my shoulders
Second need is connection, with limited energy I can't do much outside of work so interacting with me on social media or online helps
Those are the two most important needs I have right now that I can think of. I have learned to need very little in my short life because so often it was not safe to have needs. It is hard for me to even mention connection because that makes me feel vulnerable and I've had to deal with messages, letters, or emails that came from people who did more damage than good so it's hard for me to even open myself up and not be afraid of more of the same...
Again, I just want to say thank you to those who have stayed in touch and were supportive and still are. I appreciate you. One day maybe I will be able to do the same for others...and in so many more ways...my dreams are still alive. They're burning holes in me ...but my body is worn out...and it's a huge loss...but one day...some day...it will be better.
Thank you for reading...🤍
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