My Coin Jar...And The Next Time That Never Came

Tonight just because I needed something to keep me busy. I counted out my change jar but then I thought of the reason I started it...

I started it over a year ago. I started it because the church I was going to would get baby bottles for congregants to fill who wanted to donate to the pregnancy center. Most would fill it with loose change. Every January would be baby boomerang month.

I didn't have much to spare. I put in spare change that I had but it wasn't much more than half full. I wanted to give more but I didn't have more. So I decided to start in the beginning of the year to save all my loose change. So that the next time I could fill that bottle to the top. In abundance. Full.

But...that next time never came.

Loss.

Grief.

Gaslighting.

Manipulation.

Spiritual bypassing.

Being unheard and uncared for.

Burnout.

Confusion.

Fear.

Rejected.

Betrayed.

By the pastor. Those I looked up to. The ones I enjoyed spending time with.

When I needed support the most I fell through the cracks.

The ache is heavy. It settles like a heavy mantle over me. The grief. I feel it in my bones. The loss. It makes my stomach nauseous. My doll is crushed to my chest. I rock back and forth. The ache feels stuck inside like something stuck that refuses to budge.

I didn't want to stop going to church. I wanted a "family" to belong to. I wanted to be a part and serve. But I was too tired. Too weary. Too hurting.

I didn't know how to ask for help. I tried. But people pulled away. I guess I made them uncomfortable or took them places in their own life that they didn't want/refused to go.

Or they would try to put a spiritual bandaid on me by quoting Scripture or telling me to worship God more. It was like thrusting a knife into a wound already there and then...twisting the blade.

I cannot put the pain and betrayal in words. This is the best I can do.

Wounded by the church. By christians. By people. Human beings. Those who are not willing to look away from the spiritual things to also make sure that the physical,  mental, and emotional parts are also getting taken care of and healed/ supported. Those who are unwilling to heal their own pain and just brush the unpleasant things of their pasts under the rug and paste on a spiritual bandaid and a happy face. Shallow people. People who refuse to sit with the pain of their lives. People who think it's wrong to feel angry or sad or any other so called negative emotions. People who can't/don't know how to sit with pain and try to fix it instead. Or deny it. And then it causes physical and emotional problems and illnesses because it needs to be dealt with.

It is heavy stuff. It is hard work. It is painful work. It takes a lot of courage. But in the end, healing yourself/facing your past and allowing yourself to accept and feel that pain will be worth it.

It will make you more compassionate.

You will be able to sit with others in their pain.

It will make you much more self aware.

You will learn how to say words that really comfort and are not just a bandaid.

It will help you learn how to support others in their healing journeys.

You will also learn what NOT to say to hurting people.

It will help you learn to listen with your heart. To be present.

You will also learn from experience what kind of phrases and words do more damage instead of healing.

It will help you learn how to set boundaries.

You will also learn how to see red flags in people and be more careful when you see them.

It will help you listen to your "gut" instead of other people.

There is so much to learn. It is hard work. But it is also worth it. Take time to heal.

There's a depth to life that you miss when you don't let yourself feel ALL your emotions.

There's a depth that you miss when you refuse to heal the wounded parts of yourself.

There's a depth you miss when you ignore your "gut" instinct.

There's a depth you miss when you refuse to dig deep to understand yourself.

There's a depth you miss when you don't let yourself feel negative emotions or you deny they are there.

Don't you want depth in your life? Take time to heal. To feel. To grieve. Whatever it is that you're trying to run from. To shove under the carpet. Do the hard work. I have yet to hear of someone who regretted doing the hard work...because they discovered in the end the life was better, deeper, more meaningful  than the life they had before.

I'm only part way through but I have already discovered this. It makes me want to keep on. It makes the future brighter. Dreams and hopes come alive. Purpose becomes stronger. Creativity grows. New dreams blossom. It doesn't mean that life will be perfect. There will be hard times and days. But there will be a depth and passion that you haven't had before. Won't you join me if you haven't already?