Reflections of My Outer World
- Sparkling Diamond
- Apr 7
- 7 min read
I listened to an interview yesterday that really got me diving deep inside myself. A journey I wasn't expecting to go on. But it was good and beautiful and freeing amid the tears that came.
I came across Robert Edward Grant a while ago and have been following his journey of sacred geometry and his discoveries surrounding the pyramids and how all the symbols and everything fit together to tell us where we are in the grand cycle of things. I struggle with some of his point of view, especially as an abuse survivor but the more rabbit holes I go down and things I try to understand I really think he's on to something...and I especially agree with what he says about stopping the wars within because if we have wars within ourselves, whether its hating ourselves in some way, we are miserable and project it on the people around us and then all we can see is how horribly cruel the world is. Honestly, I see his words playing out in my own journey but I also want to be clear that those of us who have experienced horrible things didn't deserve them but what we can do now is learn from them and flip them on their head and turn it into something that will help others grow/heal in some way but that's just my thoughts...not everyone is willing to try to heal their past and present...
Here are his words that I wrote down from his interview. He was asked what he might say, advice he might give, to those who are worried about everything that is going on in the world today...
"Try your best to flip your perception of what's happening and realize that everything that's happening is for your highest benefit and lean into it... Ask why are we experiencing this and why did I specifically choose to experience this? Put yourself in first person. You are the producer, the director, actor, everything. You are the playwright and you can write the script. Life is not what happens to us; it's what we believe happens to us. So when you flip that script and say wait a minute, what's happening to me is I'm actually starting to realize I'm in this dream. I'm the lucid member and participant in this. What it's actually having me do is find my absolute, radical authenticity. Now people say live the love and light and fight the dark. Ok. If you want to get rid of the wars and difficulties in your outer world, stop the wars within yourself. It's all a reflection of what's happening inside of you that creates your experience. Therefore, when you realize I'm on a path and all my relationships, interactions, and experiences are along this continuum from here which is my first realization of separation as a child from my mother all the way to true self love, can you truly love yourself if you don't know yourself?" Robert Edward Grant
I don't know what you think of these words but can I tell you how they affected me?
I'm in the process of launching my first limited edition product (hopefully this week I can take it public for preorders) and the last several days I have found myself thinking, "What's the use? Who's going to want my stuff anyway?" I didn't know how to deal with it because I realized that it stems from childhood when no matter how hard I tried I couldn't please my parents or do anything good enough to make them happy and at least earn a little bit of love and affection instead of criticism and/or punishment of some sort.
His words seemed so powerful to me and I shared them on several of my social media platforms. After I posted them I sat there thinking about how it might apply to my life. If my outer world is a reflection of my inner world what is it reflecting?
The first word to come to mind was...
Lack.
What do I lack in my outer world?
An income.
A vehicle to get around in.
Community.
Friends I feel safe with....
As I pondered the lack I saw in my outer world, I realized he's right. As I looked inside to see where the lack might be coming from, memories started marching past my mind's eye of all the times in my life where I felt like I had lack of something that made me feel less than human and lower than everyone else. I started making a list of the feelings and beliefs I noticed.
I am not enough.
I am not capable.
I will never be good enough.
I don't belong anywhere.
I am broken.
I am flawed.
I am worthless.
I am below others.
I have nothing of value to offer.
I am just trash.
Nobody will want to be my friend if they really knew me.
I am a nobody.
I don't matter.
I have no voice.
I don't deserve anything.
I am not safe anywhere.
I am scared.
As I was writing this list I could hear the voices of some of my support people adamantly saying otherwise. I knew I could shut down the hurting voices of my childhood and go along with what those voices said which was the opposite of what I was writing down and try my best to believe them. I also knew that these voices would continue clamoring to be heard if I just shut them down. But...I didn't. I wanted to heal the root of this, not just try to lock the voices in the basement of my heart again. I'm tired of trying to fight against the voices of my childhood.
As I was writing the list and thinking about how I might be able to heal the pain behind the voices that are reflecting at me from my outer world I remembered a technique mentioned in the financial course I've been working on: talking to yourself in the mirror. (I think there's a children's story about a mirror on the wall but I don't remember the name of it.) The individual who created the course said that as awkward and weird as it is to talk to herself in the mirror (and shared a video of what it looks like for her, tears and all) it never fails that she will see positive shifts in herself and her journey in the days and weeks that follow.
Now if someone struggles to love themselves or hates their body this could be extremely hard. I don't like looking at myself, especially not in my eyes in the mirror, so I had no idea how this would go but I knew that I was going to try it. I could feel my inner child was scared and wanted to hide because the idea of being talked to made her feel really vulnerable. But...I was pleasantly surprised. Yes, it was awkward at first and I cried most of the time but what happened was rather amazing. I pinned the list of all the beliefs of lack next to the mirror because I wanted to address each one. I looked at myself in the mirror and started talking and before I knew what had happened it felt like I was speaking from my future self/ core self/ higher self, whatever you want to call it, to my present and past self. I didn't so much feel the pain I thought I would but instead there was love, compassion, grief for all the hell I've already experienced, excitement and assurance.
The excitement caught me off guard.
It was as though the future part of me could see something I am struggling to imagine right now: a future of plenty and beauty. Heaven. Another interesting thing I observed was that it felt like there were shackles or chains that fell off of me a few times. Almost like I was bringing healing to several layers of my being. It felt so good and refreshing. I felt a bit lighter too.
Just the night before I had been telling my higher self that I wish I could heal myself, my family, and my ancestral line. When I was a teen I had made a chart for my family tree using old genealogy books from my grandparents and other relatives going all the way back to the 1500's. I either lost it or threw it away in my many moves or because of religious groups I was with. I have been wishing I could get back to my roots, like before Christianity. I am not proud of where I come from and all the generational trauma and abuse passed down through the centuries under the guise of Christianity. My lineage goes back to the center of the reformation and all the wars fought during that time between different so-called Christian groups. And it seems like my request was heard and I was given an opportunity to heal some more for which I am so grateful.
Another thing I seem to keep noticing lately is that it seems that it is ingrained in society to push and force oneself to do more, faster and harder. I hear it in what people say to me or online. I see it in how people act and judge those who can't keep up in however many ways, me included. I find myself rebelling deep inside. Realizing my limitations, hurts. For my whole life I've been trying to do more than my best and where am I now? I'm just done and fed up with it all. I know there are people who are worried about whether I will end up homeless or not. I told one person that I might be able to get a job from home but for most of those kinds of jobs I either don't have the skills or the equipment so instead of banging my head out trying to figure something out and worry about how I will pay my bills at the end of the month why wouldn't it be better to now focus on what I really want to do with my life and be grateful for all I do have right now? It definitely helps me stay out of survival mode and worry because honestly there's nothing I can do about it right now anyway except worry myself sick and get myself into yet another soul-killing job and pushing myself too hard just trying to do a good enough job. And I've discovered those times when I find myself wanting to push myself or force myself to do more than is good for me and instead I am gentle with myself things go so much better. I feel better about myself. I can focus better. And wouldn't that be like stopping the war within?
Anyway, I think I shall post this now so it can be enjoyed and help others in some way hopefully. If you have read this far: thank you! It means a lot to me. May my growth inspire you to grow as well. There's just so much to learn and this is an exciting journey to be on...if we let it be....
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