Saturday's Emotions

I went shopping for a few hours today.

I saw 4 ladies that I had seen and interacted with at one point of my life. The one was a Mennonite lady. The other 3 were from the church I just left.

My first thought was to say hi...but then I remembered...

I am no longer the person she knew. And shame crept in. Shame that I would become a clump of gossip if I introduced myself. Shame because I remembered my mom speaking so highly of this woman and the sympathy that this woman would have towards my mom because both moms now have children that "went out into the world". Shame because of the subconscious "better than thou",shaking of the head and "clucking" of the tongue among those who consider me to be "going to hell", a lost cause, someone they hope will "come back and regret their choices" before it is too late...

Then came grief...so deep that I could barely keep from crying...sorrow because I couldn't live up to expectations that I had tried to live up to...sorrow that the friends I thought I had seem to have no time for me outside of certain Christian religious activities...sorrow because I am too scared to say hi because of all the well meaning things people tend to say, forgetting that they don't know the whole story...sorrow that this is reality for me...sorrow that when I no longer live up to other people's expectations I seem to have no place in their life anymore...

Deep, deep sorrow...I sit with it now...these things need to be grieved because they are losses...deep losses to me...

But in the depth of my heart I know that I am on the path I am supposed to be...a messy path...a dirty, full of obstacles path...a path of sorrow and grief and all kinds of other negative emotions that it seems most people tend to avoid...

I also know that I don't regret where I am today on this path...yes, its messy and painful, especially when people remind me of memories in the past or imply that I'm making wrong choices...

My aim is to be acceptable in God's sight even if that means rejection from people because I don't follow traditional christianity and its religious practices...