On Sunday night I had an individual slip into my DMs implying that she's doing well but that I'm not because I'm not trying hard enough. I'm guessing that she saw the video my trauma professional posted regarding my situation and felt she needed to tell me that I need to try harder.
I forwarded the messages to my trauma professional because I wanted to make sure I respond appropriately. I told that individual that everyone's journey is different and that what works for her might not work for me as well as one person's best is different from another's best. Here is some of it:
My heart aches to see what you’re going through, I’ve been there. All I can say is, you deserve better and you deserve all things safe, but you havta do the hard work yourself to get there. Nobody can do it for you except you and God. I ran to ppl to do it for me for years and it didn’t work. But I did it with God and I am where I am today, safe and thriving not just surviving. I want to encourage you to do the same and I’m cheering you on and supporting you in prayer. I can’t help in any other way right now in my life besides prayer and being a friend.
Can you see what's wrong with that message? Or how it can do more harm than good? For one, she knows nothing except what she was told by others because she was not an eyewitness. And two, she doesn't even know me. I told my trauma professional that it's essentially as though she just barged into my house and told me that I don't have the furniture in the right place and commanded me to change it around...
The next morning I got a message from my trauma professional asking if I know a certain individual. I was like, um, yeah, that's the very individual who messaged me the evening before. Apparently the individual told her that what she shared in the video was wrong even though my trauma professional had used no names except mine because I gave her permission.
Next my trauma professional asked if I'd message the officer who was on scene when I went back to the house to verify some details just so she can say she verified it in a disclaimer. It took a bit to come up with a message to send which I did send at length. It was really triggering to have to message that officer because she had asked me that day we went back to the house why I can't move back with my sister and I had told her that if my parents found out they wouldn't leave me alone. It made me feel like she wasn't on my side. It was really hard to message her but I was reassured that the situation would be taken care of and I don't need to worry about it.
I had to work 4 hours in the afternoon but just having to message the officer to give her permission to talk to my trauma professional made me feel like I had worked 4 hours before I ever even got to work.
Later on I was laying on my bed playing games and just trying to rest and think something lighter instead of al the heavy stuff that's been on my mind lately. My trauma professional checked in with me and I tried to explain how the whole episode of messaging the officer and knowing that the other individual was telling my trauma professional she lied in the video was affecting me. The biggest thing that was bothering me was that I was afraid of what drama might arise from the video being posted. I was also feeling like I wasn't being heard and my voice didn't matter because the individual was siding with the individual who locked me out of the house. And with that, I was also worried of retaliation. Through the whole situation, I cannot think of one thing I should have done better or differently so it puts me in a foreign place because I can't find any grounds for which to blame myself. There is not one thing I can think to blame myself for. So I kinda feel stuck because I'm not used to being unable to blame myself for how something turned out or for how I was treated.
She asked if it was a part of me that was worried. I said I think so. By that time I was surfing YouTube trying to find something to watch and I noticed that I had a weird urge to just shiver, as in fear and anxiety. I used to a lot more in the past and hadn't noticed it lately, but it was always when I had to enter a crowd of strangers or a group of people that I wanted to belong to but just felt like an outsider. Other times it would be for interviews or meeting a stranger or some other anxiety-producing event. I didn't really notice it at first because I thought I was just cold but as I started thinking about how it could be a younger part of me I began to wonder if the shivering is coming from a younger part too.
It wasn't very late yet so she thought that maybe connecting with that part that was feeling scared and afraid she wouldn't be believed would be a chance for more healing so I said I can go out to my car. She told me to take a jacket and a blanket so I don't get cold. Just little bits of kindness and care that catch me(my heart) off guard...
After I got settled we connected on the phone and the first thing I tried to do was to get grounded. I tried but I couldn't. I told her about the shivering. Now and then my teeth chattered when I couldn't control it. I tried to relax to no avail. I wasn't really shaking on the outside even though now and then a shiver would escape my control. The shivering was mostly on the inside. It felt horrible. My back was so tight from the tension and fear I was feeling that it hurt. My whole back. From my neck to my tailbone.
As I lay there experiencing those feelings in my body I had a hard time focusing, like I kept zoning in and out. When I mentioned it, she said it could be a part that might be trying to be protective of a younger part that is deeply hurting. I said I think so. She reassured me that we aren't going to force her to reveal anything. Any feelings or memories are welcome. That this is a safe place and that there is no hurry. That we can take as much time as needed.
The reassurance helped and as I lay there a memory kept coming to mind. It seemed out of place and I had no idea why. So I mentioned it aloud. It was a moment of awareness that I had as a 16-18 year old. I was at an extended family reunion on my dad's mom's side of the family so there were a lot of people I didn't know. At that time of my life I would usually wear a jacket because I was so shut down that I was often cold and it was kinda like a security blanket. I remember that day that it was beautifully sunny and 70°+ and it may have been triggered by someone asking me if I'm not hot with my jacket on. It was like a moment of self awareness of realizing that i wanted to stay in the middle of the group of people and I was afraid to go up in the woods or leave the safety of the group. I also felt like I wanted to hide my body and my jacket helped with that. I didn't know why I felt like I did. I was just aware of those things.
I didn't know why that memory came to mind and I said so. I was reassured that any memory is welcome and that there is a reason why but we don't need to figure it out. When the parts of us feel safe they will release more memories or feelings or sensations.
I became aware that I was feeling terror throughout my whole body but mostly in my back. I wanted to hide. I didn't want to be seen. I felt all alone. Somehow I began to cry. It was not just weeping like an adult but deep, heartbroken sobbing as a toddler or very young child might cry when they're hurting. In fact, I felt like a very young child perhaps between the ages of 2-4. I was reassured that I'm not alone. And that she is right here with me. That she's not going anywhere. She asked if she(the young part of me that was crying) wanted to be held but I couldn't stop crying enough to answer. I heard her softly praying on the other end of the line as I cried. In the moment I just felt so terrified and I just wanted to hide. There was no desire for connection with anyone, not even someone who might be safe.
After a while I was able to stop crying. I said that I just don't feel like I can connect. Like I feel separated from my trauma professional and I couldn't feel connected with her like I had the evening before. I felt alienated. Alone. I was assured it was okay. That that time will come. That there's a reason why there's so much fear. I started yawning. And kept yawning. The tension in my back was gone for the most part. I still felt a lot of fear. I wished I could know the reason why but I also felt like I'd gone deep enough for the moment. We both agreed that there's a huge traumatic event behind all the feelings I was feeling as well as the nature of the crying and how young I felt. But I was assured that things like this happen in layers and that as the young part of me feels safe enough, she will release the heavy painful burden that she carries. When that will be I don't know but I sure hope it won't come to the surface in the middle of every day life but wait till in a session when I feel safe. But sadly, it often happens when something triggers me that i didn't know was a trigger...
I slept very well last night and got about 8 hours of sleep which hadn't happened in a long time, even though I was awake for about an hour in the middle of the night because a certain body part was aching in a weird way which makes me afraid that there's more sexual abuse memories that need to come to the surface...which I really don't look forward to at all..but I need to face them if I want to heal...
For the last several months I haven't been able to rest well because my lower back(pelvic area on either side of my spine) would hurt so much it would wake me up therefore most nights I've only been able to get like 6 hours or so of actual sleep. You know what? After last night's session with all that crying and fear coming to the surface, this morning when I woke up that area of my back wasn't hurting. Usually by the time I got downstairs to make breakfast that area would ache so bad I'd move slowly like an old lady because it hurt so bad. I just thought it was the bed mattress that was doing it because it sinks in the middle.
It wasn't until I was halfway done making my breakfast that it sunk in that I had no pain in that part of my back. It hasn't bothered me all day either. It's really rather amazing!
I didn't feel like I remembered much from last night's session but as I started writing things came back to mind. I probably missed a lot. But the terror I felt,the wanting to hide from everyone, and the crying is what I remember the most. I'm convinced there's something deeper and horribly painful that will come to the surface some day. It is welcome whenever that part of me is ready to reveal it for then it can be healed and released.
What really got my attention though was that that part of my back was not hurting. Whatever was released last night in the session had some connection to that pain just a few inches above my tailbone...and if you take nothing else away from this healing moment of mine, just take this: that healing those painful parts can affect us physically and ailments and body aches might just disappear...so is the nature and wonder of going back and healing the past..
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