It is late but this memory has been weighing heavily on my mind since it came to the forefront last night. I have no idea what triggered it but I was just getting ready for bed and not particularly thinking about any one thing. I know I have briefly mentioned this in another blog post or two and I will spare the gruesome details but proceed at your own risk 🚩for this could be triggering to some...🚩
We had barn cats when I was growing up and we always loved playing with the kittens if we found them. One time when I was around 8 years old we had a litter of kittens. There was a kitten that was sick and for some reason my dad told me, an 8 year old kid, to go "dispatch" the kitten. I have gruesome pictures in my memory of what happened and how I tried to kill it. I finally had to turn away because I couldn't handle it and I don't think I finished the job I was given.
At this point in my life I believe animals have a form of consciousness and are sentient beings like humans. I have seen so much footage of how brave and smart and understanding that animals are. I also have many horrible memories etched in my mind of my dad's cruelty to the animals.
In this time, I realize that my 8 year old self was traumatized and obeyed out of fear and I think I need to somehow forgive myself for the harm I caused the kitten. Now I wish I could pick up that kitten and care for it and get it the help she needed.
She didn't deserve to die.
She deserved love.
Care.
Kindness.
Compassion.
Gentle touch.
Most of all she deserved to live.
And I took that away from her.
I want to heal this part of me.
I want to heal the memory.
But I don't know how.
It's like acid in my soul.
To think how much harm I caused an animal that deserved love and life as much as I did.
I feel so sad.
I find myself holding my 8 year old self accountable despite the fact that she might have gotten hurt herself if she didn't obey the orders.
I feel angry both with my 8 year old self and my dad.
What person in their right mind would tell an 8 year old child to kill a small sick kitten?
The more my journey continues the more sensitive I become and the more horrifying the cruelty of my parents become.
It's no longer normal.
It used to be.
Till I started talking. And realizing it wasn't normal. And it wasn't my fault. And that the guilt wasn't mine to carry.
My heart aches. As the cruel memories of how horrible my dad treated the animals flood my memory.💔 No child deserves such horrible memories. It's no wonder that I feared my dad might lose control some day and actually kill me like I saw him kill animals so many times.
To the kitten I say I'm sorry.
You deserved life.
You deserved care.
And love.
And kindness.
You deserved to enjoy life.
And to get well.
I'm so sorry I took your life.
To my 8 year old self I'm so sorry.
You deserved to be a carefree happy child.
You deserved love.
You deserved nourishment.
And care.
And kindness.
And safety.
You deserved to be free from fear.
You deserved freedom to play.
You deserved to enjoy life.
I'm sorry you never had any of those things.
Now I hope the healing can begin. How I don't know. It feels very unresolved. And this little but very traumatic memory is just the tip of the iceberg of numerous other horrific memories of animal cruelty. I want to heal but I'm not sure how. I'm trying to sit with it as much as I can but I can't hardly stand the horrible vivid memories of animals in pain. It's just too much for my sensitive soul. It's like I can feel their sheer terror and pain. Like I'm reliving it again. But now that I've written it down I hope maybe I can have some relief and get some sleep. Perhaps I shall imagine what I would do now if I was faced with the same situation as my 8 year old self was. I don't know if it will help but it's worth a try at least...
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