Just putting my thoughts into words tonight....
It is a very weird feeling when you realize that the life you lived as a child has similarities to a c0mmun1st camp that you read about in books....
-food being withheld more times than you can remember as punishment
-not feeling safe anywhere and having no safe adult/place to turn to
-being threatened of physically abusive ways to motivate you to accomplish the required activities or goals
-having no voice or space to back out of things you weren't able/comfortable doing
-having your personal space violated often
There are things I've been trying to do that it feels like I'm hitting a wall(the biggest thing trying to finish my GED course). Usually I would try to push through. But I've been trying to give myself space lately because:
There's some very young parts of myself still hurting so badly deep inside.
What is she hurting from?
-Unable to focus on her schoolwork because she was terrified of her parents, which was compounded with being mocked at school
-She would have to bring home most of her books every day because she couldn't focus only to be denied food time and again because her schoolwork wasn't done
-Time and again she would have to endure painful spankings again and again to the point that it seemed even god turned his back on her(it was a very real feeling of rejection)
Is it any wonder that I hit a wall now whenever I want to do any kind of study or bookwork ?
There is a terrified little girl inside of me and all she remembers is the hopelessness of another night of being refused food because she doesn't have her books done. Utter defeat. Emptiness. Despair. So alone.
The food issue is a place where the lady downstairs has been triggering to me because my food is downstairs and her total disregard for my words and boundaries is triggering as well so it's no wonder why I feel such terror at times to go downstairs to get food.
But now. Now. I can give her love. And care. And compassion. I can weep for her. For the pain and terror she had to endure.
Little girls don't deserve to have food withheld from them. They need food for their growing bodies and to help them think.
Little girls don't deserve to be threatened with various physical abuses to force them to do things. Little girls deserve to be loved. Cared for. Listened to. Encouraged.
Little girls don't deserve to be hit and pushed and kicked. Little girls deserve to be treated kindly and respectfully for therein they learn how to treat others.
As painful as it is to let her show her face, to feel her pain, to cry with her, to send her some compassion, it is the very thing that will help her heal from all the pain and terror she had to endure. It will help me as an adult to heal as well.
It isn't easy but it is definitely worth it...
And ...I don't regret it either...
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