My Mennonite ignorance is really revealing itself in this last week as I am faced with the daunting task of selecting the proper clothes to comply with the dress code at my new job....
It consists of a black or white collared dress shirt/Polo shirt as well as black dress pants or slacks...
I hate the color black. I can't stand it on my being. Probably because black was the main color as a Mennonite. I think wearing black makes me look sick as well. Also just thinking of wearing black and white dress clothes takes me back to my childhood, to Sunday mornings...to dad being dressed in his Sunday best and I can still smell the perfume he would wear. It reminds me of how Sunday mornings we usually got a special kind of cereal like Lucky Charms or Raisin Bran. It seemed dad always got a double portion but the rest of us got barely anything because one box of cereal had to be enough for 8-10 people which led to complaints from some of the children. It reminds me of waiting in the buggy with dad till mom finally makes it out the door for church,already on the late side, only to have the horse balk and refuse to go, which then made dad so mad that he would grab the whip and the horse by the bridle and whip the horse over the head till he nearly went crazy. One time the metal leg of the swing set got a big bent in it because the horse was trying so hard to get away....
I'm sure there's more memories but perhaps they are the reason behind the task that makes it so daunting. I did find 3 pairs of black pants that are too long but I have no idea if they even fit the code. I don't know how they're supposed to look on a person. I'm just a jeans person...and I'm hard on my clothes...having to wear dress clothes will make me feel like it's hard to do my work because I'm so used to not having to be careful with my clothes....
And I thought of a photo I had of my dad in his Sunday best from when I was quite young yet but apparently I threw it away because I can't find it, but here is the next best one I can find from probably 6-8 years or more ago. I'm not in the picture but 3 of my sisters are now married and have children of their own...
I shared on social media how I was hesitant to share this photo because some of you may know my parents and I don't want to ruin my parents reputation but I also can't just avoid talking about reality...otherwise I won't heal...and I want to heal... this was reality for me almost every Sunday morning...it put such a fear in me as a young child that as a young teen I took some steps to try to make a safe place in case dad lost complete control...I watched as he killed sick animals and I feared for my life because if he was able to kill animals and he lost control of his rage then in my mind he would also be able to kill me....
Two of my friends gently reminded me that it is not my responsibility to try to protect my parents reputation because they ruined it for themselves. One thing I cant understand is why they are so terrified of us children talking about them to each other and outsiders. If a person is living a good and morally right life they shouldn't have to be afraid. Of course we are human and make mistakes but when you have had many opportunities to see that there is problem and you refuse to do something about it, then something's wrong somewhere...and that's where my parents are at...I have cut contact because I couldn't handle the gaslighting and manipulation anymore....
So if you know my parents, please don't say anything to them because it will make it worse for us children. If you want to help in any way, reach out to my siblings if you see them. Be kind to them. And please keep an eye out for them! If you see traces of abuse, please report it! And not just for my siblings but for anyone else in your life...educate yourself...learn better ways...because there are better ways out there....there's always something we can learn to aid us in our everyday life...providing you have a good heart...because there are many out there that want to use this information and use it to damage and kill and gossip and whatever else bad they might come up with....
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