It is Monday morning.
I literally don't know how to fight anymore.
I rested all weekend, only to feel as drained as i did before, like it didn't help at all.
I am sick, quite sick. I can feel it. And the dizziness makes my stomach queasy.
There has to be a way to get my needs met. But I'm literally out of ideas. And energy.
I will have to keep forcing myself to go to work because I see no other way despite being drained and sick.
I did my taxes only to discover I barely made enough all year to cover the vehicle i now need. Less than half that I earned the year before. And that was less than the year before.
Looking at the track record it appears that I will lose everything. And end up on the streets with nothing because I cannot figure out how to regain my energy or earn the funds I need and now i can't even afford the healthcare I know I need.
I don't intend to ruin anyone's start of the week by sharing this, but this is my reality. Dark. Stark. Without shelter. Or safety. I know this is where I'm headed without intervention. Being in the shelter for 7 months showed me just how broken the system is and I happen to be the one that falls through the cracks.
Please don't try to point out the things I have to be thankful for. I am aware and grateful. I take one minute at a time because that's all I can face right now. What I'm trying to show you is the big picture, the trajectory, that I'm facing. My dreams are slipping away.
I'm considering selling my stuff. All the stuff I put so much energy and so many hours into creating dreams and things i never had as a child. My dollhouse and all its accessories. My books. My furniture. Everything. I don't know what else to do. But even if i do that it won't be enough to cover the expenses I will incur with trying to take care of myself.
This is my reality. The grief cannot even be put in words. The realization of my reality. The trajectory I'm on. Something I don't know how I will recover from after everything else I've already lost and endured. I can't see a point of return at this point. I've tried so many options only to come up empty. This is my reality.
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