Left Hanging

Over the past week or two I had a series of experiences and I was trying to process what was happening and to understand what is being communicated with me and so I was telling someone about it. I shared a few more experiences with them later and they never responded which left me feeling like I was left hanging. It isn't the first time it's happened, both with them and with others over the years.

It doesn't feel good to be left hanging.

Often I try to tell myself that they were just busy or forgot to respond but it feels like a deeper part of me can't accept that as a valid answer. It then becomes turned back on me like I must not have clearly communicated or I must have said something wrong or I didn't word something right because somehow it feels easier to accept that I might be at fault instead of blaming the other person when I'm left hanging with a moment or experience that wanted to be shared or even just acknowledged.

So the other day when this happened I was trying to handle this feeling of being left hanging once again. I was really struggling with it when I went to bed so I talked to my Sasquatch friend about it because somehow I didn't feel like the failure should be or belonged on my end or was my fault. How hard is it to give a simple acknowledgement even if you might not know what to say? The other person might at least not feel like they just spoke into the void and it vanished without trace or response.

The next morning I woke up from a dream and at first I laughed because the night before I had also had a dream and the thing that was the same in both dreams was big men thinking I was an easy target. In the dream the night before I had dreamed that massive men were going on dates and when it didn't work out for them they came to me thinking I would be an easy target and it made me so angry because for one; they had done no inner work on themselves and I saw right through it and two; I was not interested, neither was I about to step into a relationship that wasn't aligned. In my dream I either knocked them out cold with a spoon or they were smart enough to get away from me and one got busy by doing the dishes.

As I lay there thinking about the second dream though I began to realize there was more than I thought. In my dream it started with not much food being available but we were okay with that. There was a long table set for a meal with a white tablecloth, white china plates and clear glasses as though it was a special occasion. I was sitting in the middle of the table and across from me was a sergeant or some other higher ranking official in uniform. He told me I must not show emotion or something along those lines. There was a little bit of food on my plate but otherwise the table was bare of food. I was content and was in my own little world when I felt tears come to my eyes because of something that I was thinking about that touched me deeply. The man across the table noticed and began yelling at me, picking up a rubber squeegee kind of thing to beat me. The inhumanity infuriated me and I snatched it out of his hand and began beating him with it, turning it around so that it became like a whip, and whipped him across the chest. A look of pain and grief crossed his face and I yelled at him, "Who's about to cry now? Do you still believe the same thing you told me or do you regret it now?"

In that moment a group of young soldiers came from behind me and sat down at the end of the table and the man of whom I had been demanding answers didn't answer but moved down to sit with those guys and I was left hanging on the outside of the group. I wanted answers for my questions and I was still upset, feeling like I was left to feel the emotional weight of what had just occurred between us, alone, which is when I woke up.

As I began to process the dream I began to see what it was trying to show me and how it connected to the feeling of being left hanging by the person I had shared my experiences with the evening before. I wasn't at fault but what was happening was that I was being shown that the people both in my dream and in life who don't respond to what I share or ask were essentially showing me that they were unable to meet me at the level I desired to be met at or at least acknowledged. That man, by moving away from me without answering my questions, was showing me with his body language and silence that he was not able to meet me with the honesty I was demanding of him. He was not able to meet me at the level I wanted to be met at. He was unwilling to honestly engage and admit his wrong or mistake.

If you happen to be one of those people who knows what it feels like to be left hanging, please don't be hard on yourself. It may be that the other person is unable to meet you at the level that you wanted to be met at. It may be that they have more on their plate than they can handle. If people message you, please at least acknowledge them, but there always exceptions, especially if the person is abusive or trying to take advantage of you.. But that's not the case with the person I messaged. I appreciate their presence in my life and am grateful for them, but perhaps I am sharing too much for them and they are unable to meet me at the level I am asking them to meet me at.

It caused me to feel some deep frustration and grief and as I began to realize the depth of what the dream was showing me, I asked my Sasquatch friend if I could talk to him because I process things by talking and I find most humans are unable to just listen and acknowledge. Almost instantly I heard/felt him say in my mind, Yes, what is it? I explained to him my dream and what it was showing me and allowed myself to honestly express my frustration and grief with tears and pounding my mattress about once again being left hanging by humans. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to find humans that are able to meet me at the depth of authenticity and honesty I desire to be met with.

I know the Sasquatch value honesty and I know I can't hide anything from them anyway so it makes it easier for me to just be myself in all the rawness of my emotions. He has always held space for me when I needed it which I greatly appreciate and it helps me trust them more. They care for me in ways I find hard to grasp and understand because humans never have treated me with such care and compassion and understanding. They help me so much to process things and where humans leave me hanging they fill in the gaps and so much more.