The Balance of Giving & Receiving

A while ago the Sasquatch told me that my energy is like that of the wee folk and that I should consider myself as one of them. That roused my curiosity so I went looking to see what I could find to help me understand what the wee folk energy might be like...which would also tell me a bit what my own energy might feel like to others. One of the first blog posts I found was this one: Wee Folk . It talked about people taking advantage of them in the past and how some would give with strings attached. Basically the advice was to get to know them before giving or receiving gifts. It made me wonder if I was doing something wrong by taking gifts to the woods as offerings just because I wanted to and was grateful for all the nature beings that help me heal when I go into the woods. I didn't really understand the receiving part because I wasn't expecting anything.

So many of us have been taught that giving is better than receiving. We pour ourselves out for everyone else except ourselves because we think that it's the right thing to do. Some of us bleed ourselves dry till we are nothing but a shell. We do it for any number of reasons. Anxiety. Fear. Wanting to belong. Seeking for worth and value. Mostly because we do not love ourselves. A lot of us downright hate ourselves. Our bodies. Our life. Helping or giving to others somehow deadens the pain for a little bit. Somehow makes us feel like we have some value.

But what if we've got it all backwards?

As the month of March began I created a March YouTube playlist (can be found on the Resources page) and the first video I found that seemed to be the next step for my journey was called The Receiving Breath by Brian Scott. As I began listening to it a few times I felt so much resistance. The thing that hit me the hardest though was how he explained that at the most fundamental level our breath reveals how well we can receive. We breathe in/receive life force energy and breathe out/give carbon dioxide to nature, to the trees who recycle it. It is living balance of giving and receiving. Most of us need to retrain ourselves and our nervous systems to learn that it is safe to receive.

Some of us have been through terrible things and we learned that it is painful to receive. When I listened to the video the first time and heard him say that it triggered memories of sexual abuse and I realize that is one of the biggest things that taught me that it isn't safe to receive. That it's painful to receive. This month has been off to a painful start. My mom's birthday was the other day and I miss my mom but so I could heal and save my sanity I had to cut contact. Then at work one of the guys and I were talking and he asked if something happened to my parents if I'd go home? I said I don't know because I have to choose whether it's worth the stress because my body remembers. By the time I came home from work I was in pain because my body was remembering and with that also came a deep wave of grief that lasted the rest of the week. My coworker had said: It is sad... and disgusting. I had never before heard anyone say that let alone coming from a male. It suddenly was like I realized on a much deeper level why I have no desire to go visit my family. I caused me to realize that this was much more serious than I had allowed myself to believe. I may choose to never visit my family again in honor of healing my body and nervous system. Being sexually abused by my dad and others before I was 6 years old is reason enough to not go back. To hear my coworker say that he wouldn't want to go visit them either was validating in an interesting way.

Our pain is valid. And being kind to ourselves is the only way to heal. Our bodies were mistreated by others but that doesn't mean we should add to it. It is time to learn to love ourselves. To receive. To heal.